One of the biggest questions I have dealt with since returning to Canada is the seemingly basic "So, you glad to be home?". It is a question that can be answered so many way and in keeping with my recent desire to really enforce my own honesty, I try my best to explain my answer.
The answer to it is split. Yes. I am glad to be home. Home is where the heart is. It is where you can walk in and feel comfortable, knowing you have a place there. It is where you are loved, where you are accepted, where you are known and welcome without questions. So yes. It is awesome to return to home in that sense. To see all those who matter to me again. To slowly begin to catch up with those I didn't manage to keep in super contact with while I was in Haiti. To hug those around me and have them understand that, that is who I am. A hugger. To be in a place where I know my place. It is nice to be back to the familiar.
But at the same time. No. Not no I don't want to be/am not happy being home, but no I am not glad to be home because it means that I am not in Haiti. And wow do I miss Haiti.
It is strange to be here and look at my life from before. At the things that were in my life. The people that surround my life. I look at it all now and think that is has changed. It is all different.
Except that it isn't. It is exactly the same. It is simply my outlook that has changed. How I look at things around me. How I look at my life. How I understand and see people. How I look at myself.
I am not going to sit here and claim that who I am is different and that Haiti has changed everything about me. But I can sit here and tell you it has changed my perspective in alot of ways. It has me thinking about things from new angles. It has me challenging the things in my life.
When I left for Haiti I thought I was happy with my life. I was content, I had friends and a boyfriend. My health was good, I was enjoying my job and was advancing in it. Life was going pretty well. While I was there, I got a bit of a surprise to discover, after much personal reflection time, that I wasn't happy. Ok, I was doing what I had to do to get by. But I was getting by with the bare minimum. I wasn't Living my life. I was Surviving it(Just went to a Church retreat, so lots of thought from there to. It was an amazing weekend with fantastic speakers). And who in their right mind wants to simply survive life? I realized that I was in a rut. I was sitting there, in my comfort zone and coasting along without any effort.
Coming home with that realization is definitely an eye opener. Everything I do, everything I say I know think about a little more. I analyze it afterwards, I think about it and just try to figure out if what I said or did was the right thing to do. If it was who I want to be.
I am tired of my rut. But the question from that becomes, am I willing to do something about it?
I want to. But will I? The joy of life is I have no answer for that either. Just like I have no answer for pretty much every other aspect of my life... Got to get myself a 'univeral remote' like Adam Sandler does in "Click"
Ok. Thats all for now. I have to post this and read it over a few times. Think about it all again. Take care! Hope life is fantastic and phenomenal!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Back to Reality
| Home again. Ok so I have been home for over a week now. Slacking off again. It seems I tend to do that more often when it comes up updating this. In other words. Yes. I made it home safely. Uneventful for the most part. Hour from Port au Prince to Fort Lauderdale. Made the customs man helping me laugh and had him socializing for a bit. 6 1/2 hour lay over. Met some man named Robert. If everything he said is true, he is unquestionably the most fascinating person I have ever met in my life. Heck, even if some of it is true he is right up there! Just over 3 hours to Toronto. Had the Custom persons talking a little bit(I enjoy getting them to be friendly. Usually they scare me so I suppose I was facing my fears. Or something. I don't know really. It was along time ago). Landed at 10pm. Now here is the fun part. TEN HOUR layover. Yep 10. Couldn't check my luggage, everything was closed. So I sat it on a cart, sat on it during a couple phone calls, and spent the rest of the night fighting to stay away. 4 hours to Edmonton. And bam. Reality. Been busy since being home. Or it feels like I have been at least. Just got back from 3 days in Calgary. One of those cases where although the time spent is nice, it just isn't enough. Hate those cases. Seen a bunch of people. Feels like I have seen everyone I know but mostly that is just because it is so strange to know people here. Really hasn't been that many people. I've been home for 8 days, 4 of those I was out of town. Doesn't leave alot of time... Before I start talking about what it is like being back, which I think I shall do in a seperate post, simply to keep the two random rants seperated, I want to send a message out to everyone reading this. Who did read it while I was in Haiti. To be honest with you, until I got home I wasn't even sure one person was reading it. I truly felt sometimes like I was writing to oblivion. Since returning home I have heard otherwise from numerous people and I really really apperciate the support. It may seem like a small thing, but knowing people cared enough to read my random post is definitely a good feeling. I am sorry I didn't post more often. Learn for next time eh? |
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Life as I know it
So I return home in less than a week. It is hard to believe that it has been that long already. It is amazing to me how the first three weeks felt like months but the last three have flown by... Ok, maybe the first 4 weeks felt like months- being sick wasn't exactly a cake walk. But I suppose I expected it, that the second half of the trip just slips away right before your eyes.
I've been thinking alot about how life here relates to life back home. Thinking about the little things and comparing them. And there are differences that you would perhaps not expect.
Of course there is the language barrier. It is impossible to miss the fact that my english does me little to no good here. My Creole is minimal and my French nearly non-existent. It can be difficult not being able to understand a thing that people say to you. However, like I told a fellow volunteer today, if I had wanted to understand I would have gone to an English or Spanish speaking country.
There is the Race factor. It is something that we have to deal with while we are here. I couldn't tell you the number of times men have told us they love us, or that we are beautiful. We are white women. Therefore, they notice us. Children call after us yelling "Blanc! Blanc!" (White! White!). You can feel eyes on you where ever you go.
The food was less of an issue than I expected it to be. Lots of rice and bananas, but that is no surprise. It is not particularly spicy or unusual. I eat it without an issue so that alone says alot!
Electricity. Haitian electricity is less than reliable. From what I understand you can expect it for a few hours a day, and what hours usually varies. Generators are a very well used machine here. The generators run, and in the process store p energy in a collection of car batteries which are used to smaler watage of power when the generator is off. So if you want to do laundry, or take a shower, you have to first make sure the generator is one or there is not enough power, or no running water. Its a little strange when you wake or get home and your first though is, I wonder if we have power tonight, or if I am reading by lamp light.
Running water. Like I mentioned, if the generator is off, the water doesn't run. It takes some getting used to, remembering to listen for the generator before you plan to shower. Not being able to use water to wash your hands- hand sanitizer is a hot commodity as well.
Regular plumbing. Ok. That sounds worse than it is. We have indoor plumbing, don't get me wrong. But there are rules to make sure we don't lose that plumbing. Nothing gets thrown in the toilet, not even toilet paper. Takes some getting used to to put toilet paper in the garbage can. The toilet at our apartment doesn't flush right now so when it has to be flushed(which is NOT after every use), we have to bucket flush. When the electricity is out- bucket showers, hand washed laundry, and bucket flushes.
The water. You absolutely can not drink the water here. Which takes more thinking than you might figure. Ok, don't fill a glass from the tap. But there is more to it. Doing dishes requires making sure there is bleach in the rinse water. Brushing your teeth you can't even rinse your toothbrush under the tap. In the shower you have to make sure you don't open your mouth. When baking you have to be certain that you take any water used in the reciepe from the water jugs.. Like I said, it really makes you think about all the little things you use water for. If it is an option between a little extra work for clean water or getting sick(what we've dubbed Haitian Happiness), you tell me what you'd pick... Remember, the toilet doesn't always flush.
Getting sick. Not something you really plan for, something that you really hope doesn't happen. But when you get sick here, you have to deal with it here. Trust me, I've been there. It is not a fun scenario.
Driving. Driving here is qute the experience. There are few noticible road rules. I've seen stop signs 4 times(and 3 times it was the same one). No traffic lights- pointless as the electricity isn't reliable enough to run them. Paved roads are few and the ones they have are nothing like what we would deem high quality. Pedistrians definitely do not have the right away, they have to move and fast. Honks of the horn are to simply let people know where you are as much as they are to give someone heck. No lines on the roads, no grid for how they are set up. If you get car sick, Haiti is not for you.
Safety. For the most part, Haiti is a fairly safe place to be. However, considering the country's history, being outside the compound when it is dark is not a good idea. So, when it is dark at 6 30, we are already in the gates, which are locked, and we don't leave again till morning. This takes a little bit of getting used to considering at home we have the freedom to do as we please and come and go as we see fit.
There are probably more difference, but I can't think of them off the top of my head. But I hope this does a little bit to better let you imagine life here. It is a good time and you get used to the differences in the long run. You have to and they aren't so bad as they could be really.
As I prepare to leave you and start getting ready for bed, I leave you with a did you know...
Did you know that Banana trees only produce fruit once?
I've been thinking alot about how life here relates to life back home. Thinking about the little things and comparing them. And there are differences that you would perhaps not expect.
Of course there is the language barrier. It is impossible to miss the fact that my english does me little to no good here. My Creole is minimal and my French nearly non-existent. It can be difficult not being able to understand a thing that people say to you. However, like I told a fellow volunteer today, if I had wanted to understand I would have gone to an English or Spanish speaking country.
There is the Race factor. It is something that we have to deal with while we are here. I couldn't tell you the number of times men have told us they love us, or that we are beautiful. We are white women. Therefore, they notice us. Children call after us yelling "Blanc! Blanc!" (White! White!). You can feel eyes on you where ever you go.
The food was less of an issue than I expected it to be. Lots of rice and bananas, but that is no surprise. It is not particularly spicy or unusual. I eat it without an issue so that alone says alot!
Electricity. Haitian electricity is less than reliable. From what I understand you can expect it for a few hours a day, and what hours usually varies. Generators are a very well used machine here. The generators run, and in the process store p energy in a collection of car batteries which are used to smaler watage of power when the generator is off. So if you want to do laundry, or take a shower, you have to first make sure the generator is one or there is not enough power, or no running water. Its a little strange when you wake or get home and your first though is, I wonder if we have power tonight, or if I am reading by lamp light.
Running water. Like I mentioned, if the generator is off, the water doesn't run. It takes some getting used to, remembering to listen for the generator before you plan to shower. Not being able to use water to wash your hands- hand sanitizer is a hot commodity as well.
Regular plumbing. Ok. That sounds worse than it is. We have indoor plumbing, don't get me wrong. But there are rules to make sure we don't lose that plumbing. Nothing gets thrown in the toilet, not even toilet paper. Takes some getting used to to put toilet paper in the garbage can. The toilet at our apartment doesn't flush right now so when it has to be flushed(which is NOT after every use), we have to bucket flush. When the electricity is out- bucket showers, hand washed laundry, and bucket flushes.
The water. You absolutely can not drink the water here. Which takes more thinking than you might figure. Ok, don't fill a glass from the tap. But there is more to it. Doing dishes requires making sure there is bleach in the rinse water. Brushing your teeth you can't even rinse your toothbrush under the tap. In the shower you have to make sure you don't open your mouth. When baking you have to be certain that you take any water used in the reciepe from the water jugs.. Like I said, it really makes you think about all the little things you use water for. If it is an option between a little extra work for clean water or getting sick(what we've dubbed Haitian Happiness), you tell me what you'd pick... Remember, the toilet doesn't always flush.
Getting sick. Not something you really plan for, something that you really hope doesn't happen. But when you get sick here, you have to deal with it here. Trust me, I've been there. It is not a fun scenario.
Driving. Driving here is qute the experience. There are few noticible road rules. I've seen stop signs 4 times(and 3 times it was the same one). No traffic lights- pointless as the electricity isn't reliable enough to run them. Paved roads are few and the ones they have are nothing like what we would deem high quality. Pedistrians definitely do not have the right away, they have to move and fast. Honks of the horn are to simply let people know where you are as much as they are to give someone heck. No lines on the roads, no grid for how they are set up. If you get car sick, Haiti is not for you.
Safety. For the most part, Haiti is a fairly safe place to be. However, considering the country's history, being outside the compound when it is dark is not a good idea. So, when it is dark at 6 30, we are already in the gates, which are locked, and we don't leave again till morning. This takes a little bit of getting used to considering at home we have the freedom to do as we please and come and go as we see fit.
There are probably more difference, but I can't think of them off the top of my head. But I hope this does a little bit to better let you imagine life here. It is a good time and you get used to the differences in the long run. You have to and they aren't so bad as they could be really.
As I prepare to leave you and start getting ready for bed, I leave you with a did you know...
Did you know that Banana trees only produce fruit once?
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