*Disclaimer- honest thoughts below. A little bit long. A little bit random. Totally from the heart.
It blows my mind how life happens sometimes. I know it’s been along while, and to be honest I am hesitant about writing even now, it’s been hard to find the words to express what I have been feeling since Mike died. But sitting by the ocean today I felt the need to write and when we got back to the house I still felt the urge and so I will share my thoughts from today, and add some to it before and after. It is random- I know it, but those who know me well know that I usually am random so that isn’t unusual. It asks a lot of questions, but again, not unusual for me. It shares my thoughts and feelings and I think over the last year that has been the hardest concept for me in regards to posting on here again- do people really want to hear my thoughts and feelings? Do they care? Do they judge me for them? Is it trivial to even bother. Then I thought to myself today, if they don’t want to know them, they wont read them (if that means you, please just save us both the hassle and stop now). If they will judge me for them, hopefully they care enough to not tell me, to keep it to themselves. And anything beyond that, I am just sharing my thoughts, often through a stream of consciousness, it isn’t politically, academically, philosophically, or spiritually correct at all times, it is just coming from my heart and being put onto paper. So here goes.
I don’t think that people really understand grief. I don’t think anyone can possibly understand the pain, suffering, and loss that another goes through after a death of a loved one- family, friend, acquaintance, or even pet. It is impossible, I think, for anyone else to completely understand the importance your relationship with that person or creature had on you. It could be someone you barely knew, and still the loss could affect you in ways never imagined. Or it could be someone more dear to you than anyone else, and as a result, completely rock your world. But in the end, the grief is personal. It lessens if you share it- with those who are grieving for the same person, with those who might not of known the person but who know you and want to help you through your loss, and with random people through random stories or memories. These opportunities to share your grief are so valuable and can work wonders. But at the same time, it is hard to share your grief because it is so personal and it is so hard to explain. Nobody on the ‘outside’ seems to understand it, and you can’t explain it. Why does it hurt so bad? I don’t know. Why does it last so long? I don’t know. Why are you still having problems with it so long after it happened? I don’t know. When are you gonna get back to ‘normal’? I don’t know. There are so many “whys” and “whens” that come from those around you, people who don’t understand and either want to help or simply think that the ‘grieving period’ should be over- but the problem is there aren’t answers. I don’t blame them for not understanding, I don’t get it myself, it is just frustrating. It takes time. I heard at a conference that the worst of the grief doesn’t even begin to set in until a significant time period has passed. It is normal to need time.
Now to be fair, with that time does come healing. I know I am getting better. The music is starting to come back- as in I like listening to it again. I like singing along sometimes again (not as often as before, but getting better). I’ve even done karaoke a few times lately. The music is starting to play in my head again, which might sound ridiculous but it is something that I have dearly missed. I am starting to find myself happier and more relaxed again. It is becoming easier to see the joy in life, to appreciate the little things and the big things, and to acknowledge those moments that require we notice them. That isn’t to say I don’t have my bad moments. There are still moments that trigger me like nothing I could have imagined. I’ve experienced some minor panic attacks for the first time in my life. I am avoiding certain places, although they are getting less and less and I figure it’s better to face them than to keep running away from them. The worst of my bad moments is that I am struggling spiritually. I still believe, I know He is there and all of that, and really I don’t know how to explain my struggles but to say that my relationship with God is definitely not at its best, but even as I say that I know that it is sitting there, waiting for me to weed out the crap and let it bloom.
But I don’t think I can handle much more of the deep stuff right now, so taking a break and let me share what got me writing this afternoon.
I’m on a road trip, two weeks long, with my cousin from Holland (well, 2nd cousin once removed if you want to get technical) and we are staying with a good friend of mine in Mission for a couple of days. Early this morning the three of us headed out to Vancouver Island for the day. Somehow, I am sitting here on Vancouver Island with two men that I hardly ever see and yet I feel so relaxed, so at easy that it actually blows my mind. To be fair, both are ridiculously easy going and they get along famously which is awesome and definitely simplifies the whole day, but regardless, I can’t believe how life can work sometimes.
In two days it will be the 1 year anniversary of Mike’s death. A date that I have been dreading- for what I think of obvious reasons. Yet somehow, rather than keeping my nose to the grindstone and drawing into myself, hiding from the world as I deal with my personal issues, I find myself taking a lazy day, relaxing on Vancouver Island while two men who are dear to me hunt for crabs among the rocks as the tide begins to rise. Instead of hiding in my room, avoiding people, and trying to figure out what I will do to forget the day, I am enjoying the day that I am on, living my life and laying on a piece of driftwood, sunning myself among the rocks, listening to the waves, smelling the salt, watching Kurt and Rene hunt crabs, and feeling the heat of the sun, barely into a two week road trip that will take me over 5000 Miles before it is done- something I have dreamed of doing but never figured to become a reality- especially so soon!
What gets me the most, ignoring the obvious ‘hey, I’m road tripping with a cousin I’ve spent maybe the equivalence of two ½ weeks with and visiting a guy I met at a wedding when I was 16’ is that I am the first to admit I haven’t been very strong in my walk with God (as I touched upon above) and yet somehow He still cares enough to have me out and distracted on the days leading up to, and following (and hopefully on), the anniversary. How Great Is Our God that He cares so much that He doesn’t just create the pieces of the puzzles of our life, but He patiently guides us through them, fully aware that even when a puzzle is completed we might not see the whole picture and actually might still be unaware of the wonder and magnificence of what He has so lovingly shaped. I haven’t been praying much. I haven’t been singing. I haven’t been listening. I haven’t been worshipping. I haven’t been a trusting daughter of the King but that doesn’t matter to Him. Somehow, He still knows exactly what I needed, no. not past tense. He still knows exactly what I need, and provides the opportunities for it to be so. He still loves me so much that He just keeps waiting, watching me and smiling as I fit together the pieces that He has laid out for me.
He brought me here, I know it without a shadow of a doubt, here to the island, here to relaxation, here to moments of peace, here to contentment, with two men whom matter to me so much, each in their own way, and He gives me precisely what I need. I don’t know what to say to Him but thank you. For the puzzle that is my life. For the pieces He has made for me. For the guidance to put them as they belong. Thank you, for the love and care and watchful eye. Thank you for the friends that matter so much and who care for me and remind me that it is ok to keep trusting people to be there for me. Thank you, for the men in my life, the ones that really matter, past and present. Thank you. For taking my heart and holding it tight, guarding it as I struggle through the rough patches.
