In conversation with one of the customer service reps at my favourite lab to visit, we determined that there might be some merit to the childhood method of counting down or counting days. There is simply something fun about declaring “this many sleeps!” rather than how many days remaining. Proof of that, from the words of a child, is found in my 3 ½ year old niece whom upon arrival at Grandma’s must declare how many sleeps she is there for. “Grandma, I am here for two sleeps!!” or one of my favourites and one you know was clarified in the van before arriving at grandma’s house, “Grandma, I am not here for any sleeps”. So in honour of this methodology of count down,
3 more sleeps!!!
Yep. In just three sleeps I am going to catch a ride to the airport where I will meet up with 16 teenagers and two other leaders (and for a departure prayer and I am sure a few teary goodbyes at least a handful of parents or relations as well) to check in, move through customs, and wait to board our flight to Phoenix where we will be picked up by a representative from Praying Pelican Missions and drive down to Hermosillo, Mexico.
It is hard to believe that it was already ten years ago that I was sitting in their shoes- in high school and preparing to go on a mission trip with a group of my friends from church. I love that over the course of those ten years I have gotten to the point where I now get to supervise what will undoubtedly be an unforgettable experience, a chance to witness the glories and wonders that epitomize the grace, love, and mercy that is our Father.
One of my favourite passages in the Bible can be found in the words of Matthew 25:31-46. Captioned ‘The Sheep and the Goats’, for me, the words in these verses are one of the most direct call to action of Christ to His followers
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
(http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25%3A31-46&version=NIV)
I am so unbelievably excited to witness the acting out of Christ’s directions in the actions, in the words, and in the hearts of these teenagers; for the opportunity to be present as a group of teenagers, one of the age groups most often associated with a lack of awareness of others, step out and together act as the body of Christ. To watch as they do for others as Christ has commanded us not only as Christians, but I believe as mankind- believers and unbelievers alike. To reach out and help those in need, those hurting, those crying out simply to find someone who cares.
Now, because I am Laura, and short and sweet is a lesson I have never really comprehended, the story behind where I am at as a youth leader =)
I’ve been volunteering as a youth leader at the church for the last four years. If you were on my Facebook last summer, you might remember a ton of posts relating to youth and loving my job, and those stemmed from a short stint I did as a summer youth intern at the church, planning and running summer youth events. Over those four years, youth has gone from something I did originally as a favour for one of my best friends to something I now can’t even imagine my life without.
I won’t lie, at the very beginning, the very first time, when my dear friend Mike asked me to drive for a youth event and I quite literally laughed at him for suggesting it- I don’t like teenagers, they are way too much drama for me- or something along those lines, he said, just do it this once, just for me. Next thing I knew I was signed up to help out every two weeks and the following year after his tragic passing, as badly as I wanted to quit something that I so associated with him, I figured I’d keep at it for just one more year, kinda in his honour I suppose, for the kids who would miss his undeniably energetic presence, so I volunteered to help attempt to fill the void at youth and lead on a weekly basis.
Needless to say, it didn’t take long to realize that I wasn’t just doing it for him. I was doing it for me. I was doing it for the youth. I was doing it for God. I realized that when I was in youth I had a couple of leaders who left such significant impacts on my life (and I can only hope they realize it) that I wanted to have the chance to do that for the youth. Suddenly, they were filling a void in my life, and to be honest, they still do.
I know that sounds cheesy, but I am ok with that. I suppose it is the kind of statement that only some people can ever comprehend. When I meet new people and they learn that I spend nearly every Friday night (Tuesdays in the summer), and at least a couple weekends a year, hanging out with anywhere from 5-60 12-18 year olds, they think I am nuts. I’m ok with that too. Considering doing so has brought me innumerable younger ‘brothers and sisters’, people who think I am funny and entertaining and who look forward to my hugs. Teens who love to talk about what is going on in their lives and who, during small group, at Sunday lunch (which I really would love to do again) and in personal conversations, open up about their joys and pains in life... I love it.
So where am I as a youth leader? I am grateful. Grateful to Mike, for putting me in an awkward spot of not being able to say no to a personal favour. Grateful to the other leaders who might roll their eyes but still seem to enjoy having me around despite all my (self diagnosed) a.d.d. Grateful to the youth who rock (most of the time at least). And am so indescribably grateful for this chance to head off to Mexico with an amazingly, fantastically, unbelievably, wonderful group of teenagers. A group of teenagers who in less than 15 minutes created a mission statement for our trip that collectively speaks wonders as to their maturity and faith in our Maker.
“Our team will make a difference by spreading the word of God through love, hope, and blessings, as we grow in Jesus Christ”
Naturally we’d love your prayers while we are in Mexico. For travels, for health, for cohesion, for effectiveness, for the ability to speak beyond the language barrier, for effective ministry on behalf of Christ, for lives to be touched on both sides, for growth in relationships with Christ, and for whatever else you can think of that I can’t at this moment.
Dios te bendiga! (God Bless You!)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Swing Lessons!
Something light to share=)
I am learning to swing dance! I suppose that answers at least one of my questions for 2012- if I would be fortunate enough to learn a new style- cause the learning is in progress and I love it!
How did it happen? In Jan I was giving a friend a basic two step lesson- just to teach him the step and a few simple spins and he began talking about how he wanted to learn all the tricks- dips, flips, spins, lifts, and such. He then began saying we should take lessons, but not two step as it’d be redundant for me, and asked what would have the tricks in it. I told him swing, jive, Charleston, lindy hop... that sorta thing. Then said you look into it and we’ll talk (he isn’t the first to claim he wanted to take lessons, usually talk is as far as they get with it), well a week later we signed up for 12 weeks of basic beginner swing (which touches on all of the ones I mentioned above). It is awesome and I love it! Learning something new, but not feeling totally new to it thanks to my country dancing. Its great!
We’ve done 5 weeks so far and have learnt all sorta of steps- 6-count, 8-count, sushi roll, texas tommy, swing out, he goes, she goes, and so many more I can’t even begin to remember the names. I’m learning the technical side of the footwork and having to remind myself that posture in swing is different from two-step, three-step, six-step, and country swing. I have to sit back and let others instruct me and I love it! I also love that the moves I’m learning can totally be moved into my country dancing one we’ve got a firmer grip on it. It’s increasing my repertoire while learning a new style. Love it!
Just wanted to share. I feel like sometimes I forget to share the light and bright in life unless it’s in a quick recap so figured I’d throw one out there!
Rock step, one two three, step step, one two three... Oh how I love to dance!
I am learning to swing dance! I suppose that answers at least one of my questions for 2012- if I would be fortunate enough to learn a new style- cause the learning is in progress and I love it!
How did it happen? In Jan I was giving a friend a basic two step lesson- just to teach him the step and a few simple spins and he began talking about how he wanted to learn all the tricks- dips, flips, spins, lifts, and such. He then began saying we should take lessons, but not two step as it’d be redundant for me, and asked what would have the tricks in it. I told him swing, jive, Charleston, lindy hop... that sorta thing. Then said you look into it and we’ll talk (he isn’t the first to claim he wanted to take lessons, usually talk is as far as they get with it), well a week later we signed up for 12 weeks of basic beginner swing (which touches on all of the ones I mentioned above). It is awesome and I love it! Learning something new, but not feeling totally new to it thanks to my country dancing. Its great!
We’ve done 5 weeks so far and have learnt all sorta of steps- 6-count, 8-count, sushi roll, texas tommy, swing out, he goes, she goes, and so many more I can’t even begin to remember the names. I’m learning the technical side of the footwork and having to remind myself that posture in swing is different from two-step, three-step, six-step, and country swing. I have to sit back and let others instruct me and I love it! I also love that the moves I’m learning can totally be moved into my country dancing one we’ve got a firmer grip on it. It’s increasing my repertoire while learning a new style. Love it!
Just wanted to share. I feel like sometimes I forget to share the light and bright in life unless it’s in a quick recap so figured I’d throw one out there!
Rock step, one two three, step step, one two three... Oh how I love to dance!
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Curtains and Mirrors
As the page turns and we step into the new year, I find myself predictably contemplative of the year past and of the year to come. As I sit here, killing time before leaving to catch a movie with a couple friends, I find myself alternating between reflecting on 2011 and wondering about 2012.
When I look back at the year as a whole, as I gaze into the mirror of my past year, how do I feel about it? Was it what I expected? What I wanted? Am I happy about how it went? Or do I find myself dissatisfied with it?
When I look into the year to come, peeking around the curtain of what is to come, I wonder not what my new years resolutions might be- I have long ago learnt that making some goal simply because a particular day of the year demands it is not sufficient for me in setting a goal that I will reach- but I wonder more simply than that. I wonder what will happen. Where the Lord will take me. Where my feet will go. How the year will affect the rest of my life.
Again I suppose both sides of contemplation are expected when I am sitting at a computer on the first of January. It can’t be unusual, or I don’t think so, to reflect on a year gone by. So I figured, since I am killing time anyways, why not share my reflections, in brief.
So how do I feel about 2011. I suppose that is nearly equivalent to how do I feel about my life right now, but that's a moot point. Overall, I think 2011 was a fantastic year. I don’t think it was at all what I expected. I mean parts of it were of course, new nieces and nephews, finally got my piece of paper, still volunteer with the youth at church, got to know myself better- but much of it was unexpected.
-My faith and relationship with the Lord is stronger than it ever has been.
-I left the restaurant industry, had the most amazing summer working with the youth at my church, and now drive courier (slight shift in profession types).
-I got the diploma, but still have no idea what I want to do.
-I’ve been developing friendships that I did not expect, finally allowing myself to actually go around the wall I built when my best friend passed away unexpectedly.
-I moved out.
-I accepted and embraced reaching a quarter century.
It has been a phenomenal year to say the least.
Where does that leave me in looking into 2012? Well, hopefully 2012 means more answers than questions, but I suppose part of the human nature is that we will forever be asking questions, so even if I find the answers to the ones I am presently asking, new ones, bigger ones, will most certainly crop up. But again, moot point as there is nothing I can do to answer, or ask, the questions that do not yet have a part in my life. So questions for 2012?
- Will I continue to grow in my faith or will I hit the wall that so many Christians face. If I hit the wall, or realistically I should ask when, how will I respond? Will I reach out to others or attempt to do it alone?
- Will I learn to be a better friend? To allow the wall around my heart to finish crumbling and allow others in?
- Will I finally find the man that I am praying for, the man that I am waiting for, so that I can begin building the relationship that my future will stand on?
- Am I going to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life career wise? The Goals and the steps to reach them?
- Am I going to return, again, to school?
- If I don’t return to school, if I remain lost in what I want to do with my life job-wise/career wise, and I remain single, then will I find the money to travel again? Will I look into the work visa I have thought briefly about on multiple occasions and open doors for myself by not just switching cities but switching countries, exploring more of the world and learning more of its history while working towards building myself and my future.
- Will I keep dancing, or better yet will I be fortunate enough to improve- learning more moves and possibly different styles.
I could go on and on, the questions really don’t stop. But I think I will leave them at that and allow myself to stew on those for now as I can already feel the smoke coming out of my ears in wondering. It isn’t our place to know in advance, “for I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer 29:11), but we just can’t help wondering.
Overall? I am good where I am at. I am blessed with both the most amazing immediate family and a pretty spectacular extended family on both sides. I have friends that care about me through thick and thin, friends who are available for not only the serious but for the ridiculous and the spontaneous, for the fun and for joining me in grabbing life by the horns and going with it(I admit sometimes I forget I have these friends). I have the most unbelievable volunteer position with some fan-freaking-tastic youth who are more than a little weird but that's ok because that means I fit right in with them. I have a great place to live and a roommate who is patient with me. I have my health. I have a God that is never apart from me regardless of how far I might feel sometimes, how alone I might feel.
How can I not be good where I am at?
Happy New Years to all. God Bless you in the year to come. Here’s to 2012!
When I look back at the year as a whole, as I gaze into the mirror of my past year, how do I feel about it? Was it what I expected? What I wanted? Am I happy about how it went? Or do I find myself dissatisfied with it?
When I look into the year to come, peeking around the curtain of what is to come, I wonder not what my new years resolutions might be- I have long ago learnt that making some goal simply because a particular day of the year demands it is not sufficient for me in setting a goal that I will reach- but I wonder more simply than that. I wonder what will happen. Where the Lord will take me. Where my feet will go. How the year will affect the rest of my life.
Again I suppose both sides of contemplation are expected when I am sitting at a computer on the first of January. It can’t be unusual, or I don’t think so, to reflect on a year gone by. So I figured, since I am killing time anyways, why not share my reflections, in brief.
So how do I feel about 2011. I suppose that is nearly equivalent to how do I feel about my life right now, but that's a moot point. Overall, I think 2011 was a fantastic year. I don’t think it was at all what I expected. I mean parts of it were of course, new nieces and nephews, finally got my piece of paper, still volunteer with the youth at church, got to know myself better- but much of it was unexpected.
-My faith and relationship with the Lord is stronger than it ever has been.
-I left the restaurant industry, had the most amazing summer working with the youth at my church, and now drive courier (slight shift in profession types).
-I got the diploma, but still have no idea what I want to do.
-I’ve been developing friendships that I did not expect, finally allowing myself to actually go around the wall I built when my best friend passed away unexpectedly.
-I moved out.
-I accepted and embraced reaching a quarter century.
It has been a phenomenal year to say the least.
Where does that leave me in looking into 2012? Well, hopefully 2012 means more answers than questions, but I suppose part of the human nature is that we will forever be asking questions, so even if I find the answers to the ones I am presently asking, new ones, bigger ones, will most certainly crop up. But again, moot point as there is nothing I can do to answer, or ask, the questions that do not yet have a part in my life. So questions for 2012?
- Will I continue to grow in my faith or will I hit the wall that so many Christians face. If I hit the wall, or realistically I should ask when, how will I respond? Will I reach out to others or attempt to do it alone?
- Will I learn to be a better friend? To allow the wall around my heart to finish crumbling and allow others in?
- Will I finally find the man that I am praying for, the man that I am waiting for, so that I can begin building the relationship that my future will stand on?
- Am I going to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life career wise? The Goals and the steps to reach them?
- Am I going to return, again, to school?
- If I don’t return to school, if I remain lost in what I want to do with my life job-wise/career wise, and I remain single, then will I find the money to travel again? Will I look into the work visa I have thought briefly about on multiple occasions and open doors for myself by not just switching cities but switching countries, exploring more of the world and learning more of its history while working towards building myself and my future.
- Will I keep dancing, or better yet will I be fortunate enough to improve- learning more moves and possibly different styles.
I could go on and on, the questions really don’t stop. But I think I will leave them at that and allow myself to stew on those for now as I can already feel the smoke coming out of my ears in wondering. It isn’t our place to know in advance, “for I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer 29:11), but we just can’t help wondering.
Overall? I am good where I am at. I am blessed with both the most amazing immediate family and a pretty spectacular extended family on both sides. I have friends that care about me through thick and thin, friends who are available for not only the serious but for the ridiculous and the spontaneous, for the fun and for joining me in grabbing life by the horns and going with it(I admit sometimes I forget I have these friends). I have the most unbelievable volunteer position with some fan-freaking-tastic youth who are more than a little weird but that's ok because that means I fit right in with them. I have a great place to live and a roommate who is patient with me. I have my health. I have a God that is never apart from me regardless of how far I might feel sometimes, how alone I might feel.
How can I not be good where I am at?
Happy New Years to all. God Bless you in the year to come. Here’s to 2012!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
How My Summer Went (thru Report and Footnote)
Summer End Internship Position Report
There are times in our lives that we stumble into circumstances that are so beyond what we deserve. I feel that way about my summer at Bethel. I can honestly say that I think I just had the best summer of my life and for the first time in my life I feel like I have done a job that actually matters, that I have been challenged on a number of levels, that I have been blessed by the work I have done and more importantly, that I have been blessed by the youth that I’ve worked with.
During the summer, with the regular youth program on hiatus, Bethel runs a more casual summer program called the PLOT on Tuesday nights along with a couple of day trips and a wrap up night at the lake. My summer of working at Bethel has been a whirlwind of activity as I was in charge of the PLOT and included: planning events and activities; advertising for upcoming activities; bringing in volunteers and trying to arrange drivers; hyping the events with the youth; helping out with the sports camps; helping out with the church’s kids camp; setting up, running and cleaning up after the events and activities; and spending quality one on one time with the girls in the youth group.
Despite my initial uncertainty about working in a new field, it didn’t take long to realize that working with the youth through the church was not only something I could adapt to, but something I could excel in.
Summer End Bulletin Footnote
Well, you’ve been reading my bulletin announcements all summer long and it is time for me to sum it up and tell you how the summer with the youth went in 8 words or less. What a blessing this summer has been! There is a part of me that honestly believes I can leave it at that and enough has been said, but I do realize that in order for you to understand I am going to have to be a bit more succinct than that. So I will do my best.
This summer, I have had the opportunity to build relationships with children and youth from both the community and the church. From planning and running the Plot, organizing a couple of day outs and an overnight at the lake, helping out with the Basketball and Soccer camps, and assisting with Kids Camp, it has been a very busy summer!
As I’ve learnt many things this summer, personally, professionally, and spiritually, I don’t even know where to begin filling you in on them. I’ve learnt how to lead a group of youth through a devotion, I’ve now written and given two mini-message, I’ve learnt the value of working with people who constantly lift you up and appreciate you, I’ve learnt to make to-do lists and the importance of following them, and most importantly I’ve learnt that when you give the youth the opportunity to step up to the plate, they often will.
It has been amazing to watch the youth from Bethel help out with the camps this summer and their participation and assistance was both crucial and valuable to the success of these summer camps that we run as outreach to the community. Add the community youth who attended basketball or soccer camp and have since been out to the Plot either Tuesday nights or for a Thursday day out and consider how accepting they have been of new kids to the Plot and I have been so impressed with them and blessed by their willingness to help and their openness to accepting new youth.
After a phenomenal summer, I can honestly sit back and feel like I have been a part of something worthwhile, because having the chance to connect to the youth and remind them of the Lord’s consistent love for them is one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done. God Bless. See you next summer! =)
There are times in our lives that we stumble into circumstances that are so beyond what we deserve. I feel that way about my summer at Bethel. I can honestly say that I think I just had the best summer of my life and for the first time in my life I feel like I have done a job that actually matters, that I have been challenged on a number of levels, that I have been blessed by the work I have done and more importantly, that I have been blessed by the youth that I’ve worked with.
During the summer, with the regular youth program on hiatus, Bethel runs a more casual summer program called the PLOT on Tuesday nights along with a couple of day trips and a wrap up night at the lake. My summer of working at Bethel has been a whirlwind of activity as I was in charge of the PLOT and included: planning events and activities; advertising for upcoming activities; bringing in volunteers and trying to arrange drivers; hyping the events with the youth; helping out with the sports camps; helping out with the church’s kids camp; setting up, running and cleaning up after the events and activities; and spending quality one on one time with the girls in the youth group.
Despite my initial uncertainty about working in a new field, it didn’t take long to realize that working with the youth through the church was not only something I could adapt to, but something I could excel in.
Summer End Bulletin Footnote
Well, you’ve been reading my bulletin announcements all summer long and it is time for me to sum it up and tell you how the summer with the youth went in 8 words or less. What a blessing this summer has been! There is a part of me that honestly believes I can leave it at that and enough has been said, but I do realize that in order for you to understand I am going to have to be a bit more succinct than that. So I will do my best.
This summer, I have had the opportunity to build relationships with children and youth from both the community and the church. From planning and running the Plot, organizing a couple of day outs and an overnight at the lake, helping out with the Basketball and Soccer camps, and assisting with Kids Camp, it has been a very busy summer!
As I’ve learnt many things this summer, personally, professionally, and spiritually, I don’t even know where to begin filling you in on them. I’ve learnt how to lead a group of youth through a devotion, I’ve now written and given two mini-message, I’ve learnt the value of working with people who constantly lift you up and appreciate you, I’ve learnt to make to-do lists and the importance of following them, and most importantly I’ve learnt that when you give the youth the opportunity to step up to the plate, they often will.
It has been amazing to watch the youth from Bethel help out with the camps this summer and their participation and assistance was both crucial and valuable to the success of these summer camps that we run as outreach to the community. Add the community youth who attended basketball or soccer camp and have since been out to the Plot either Tuesday nights or for a Thursday day out and consider how accepting they have been of new kids to the Plot and I have been so impressed with them and blessed by their willingness to help and their openness to accepting new youth.
After a phenomenal summer, I can honestly sit back and feel like I have been a part of something worthwhile, because having the chance to connect to the youth and remind them of the Lord’s consistent love for them is one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done. God Bless. See you next summer! =)
Cloudy Crystal Ball
I am not waiting tables.
I am not in some foreign country.
I am not in university.
I am not living in my parents basement anymore.
Can I leave it at that? Part of me wants to. Considering my last couple of posts that goes to show how bad I suck at planning out where I am going with things =) Or perhaps it demonstrates my inability to follow through. I obviously have a very ineffective crystal ball when it comes to looking into my own future.
A short time after writing my last blog (way back in June) I got wind that my morning church was going to be looking for someone to finish out the summer youth internship position. The church has had this position for quite a while now and it had never crossed my mind to apply for it but somehow when I heard this time, something in me just clicked. So I spoke to the youth director, officially applied, and within a few days began my new job. It was a complete Godsend to find that job. (It has been a while since that wrapped up so rather than re-hashing it perhaps I’ll share my summer end footnote and a clip of my report to give a brief idea for those who haven’t seen it.) It was an experience that stretched me and blessed me and it didn’t take me long to realize that I was tired of working in a negative atmosphere, that the restaurant was sucking the happiness out of me and making me bitter, and so I quit my serving job and focused on enjoying the summer with just the one job.
I had a wonderful and amazing visit from Consu, my former Chilean exchange student. She was here for 8 months when I was in Grade 12 and then I spent two months down there the following winter(Chilean summer). The visit included time to attend my grandparents anniversary celebration- every five years moms side of the family does a big week of camping and, as always, it was epic.
I turned 25. Big deal right? Cept for me it was a big deal. It was something that I really struggled with but as it loomed closer and closer I grew more ok with it. Turned out to be an amazing weekend. The day fell on the same day as our wrap up to soccer camp, so the kids in camp were super cute to me all day, we had a huge cake, and one of my youth made me a wicked card and brownies. Had dinner with a few of my closest friends then went two stepping. Oh, and got a picture of me kissing the Stanley Cup as it happened to be at Cook that night. So stoked! Next day I had a bbq and like 30 people came out and hung out for the afternoon/evening/night enjoying dinner together, a fire, card games, football, and dancing on the spectacular dance floor that my dad made for me. Yeah it was a great weekend.
Over the course of the summer I was accepted to U of C in Edmonton for my Bachelor of Social Work (2 more years to upgrade my current diploma to the degree) but decided to turn it down and go to Nicaragua for a 7 month mission trip. However, as summer slipped through my fingers and finally I received my application, I realized that it wasn’t what I was supposed to do. So I decided not to go and got a job driving Courier for a small company that a friend of mine works for as the Edmonton Manager. First it was mostly hot shots and the morning run to Red Deer (in Red Deer by 7am) but the last month and a half I’ve been doing the full time in city route and I LOVE IT. I drive. I listen to music. I don't have to deal with cranky customers. It's fantastic.
Well after deciding I wasn’t going back to school this fall or going on mission trip, my rent free agreement with the folks was over so I called up one of my bests and moved into her apartment two weeks later. It has been about two and a half months and it is going really well (far as I know, hope she agrees!). I love being on my own, I love having a roommate, and as much as I want to end up in the country someday, for now, I love being closer to the city and my life.
I am still volunteering with the youth at my church, love it, love them, and am actually going as the female leader for their spring break Mexico mission trip. We’ve 15 youth, 7 girls and 8 boys I believe, and three of us leaders going down for about a week. Whats neat about it is it’ll be pretty much exactly ten years since I went down to Mexico as the youth. Ah- the many memories of El Paso Texas and Juarez, Mexico.
From here on forward, well good question. Keep working. Maybe find a second job. Determine if I want to go back to school for my Bachelors. Maybe back for a different field. Find a job that is more career than job. Possibly travel some more (unlikely unless it is with a work visa). Be lucky enough to find the man for me. Who knows. I sure don’t. Last time I try to guess, I wasn’t even close. But it should be fun moving forward, got to love how life constantly changes!
I am not in some foreign country.
I am not in university.
I am not living in my parents basement anymore.
Can I leave it at that? Part of me wants to. Considering my last couple of posts that goes to show how bad I suck at planning out where I am going with things =) Or perhaps it demonstrates my inability to follow through. I obviously have a very ineffective crystal ball when it comes to looking into my own future.
A short time after writing my last blog (way back in June) I got wind that my morning church was going to be looking for someone to finish out the summer youth internship position. The church has had this position for quite a while now and it had never crossed my mind to apply for it but somehow when I heard this time, something in me just clicked. So I spoke to the youth director, officially applied, and within a few days began my new job. It was a complete Godsend to find that job. (It has been a while since that wrapped up so rather than re-hashing it perhaps I’ll share my summer end footnote and a clip of my report to give a brief idea for those who haven’t seen it.) It was an experience that stretched me and blessed me and it didn’t take me long to realize that I was tired of working in a negative atmosphere, that the restaurant was sucking the happiness out of me and making me bitter, and so I quit my serving job and focused on enjoying the summer with just the one job.
I had a wonderful and amazing visit from Consu, my former Chilean exchange student. She was here for 8 months when I was in Grade 12 and then I spent two months down there the following winter(Chilean summer). The visit included time to attend my grandparents anniversary celebration- every five years moms side of the family does a big week of camping and, as always, it was epic.
I turned 25. Big deal right? Cept for me it was a big deal. It was something that I really struggled with but as it loomed closer and closer I grew more ok with it. Turned out to be an amazing weekend. The day fell on the same day as our wrap up to soccer camp, so the kids in camp were super cute to me all day, we had a huge cake, and one of my youth made me a wicked card and brownies. Had dinner with a few of my closest friends then went two stepping. Oh, and got a picture of me kissing the Stanley Cup as it happened to be at Cook that night. So stoked! Next day I had a bbq and like 30 people came out and hung out for the afternoon/evening/night enjoying dinner together, a fire, card games, football, and dancing on the spectacular dance floor that my dad made for me. Yeah it was a great weekend.
Over the course of the summer I was accepted to U of C in Edmonton for my Bachelor of Social Work (2 more years to upgrade my current diploma to the degree) but decided to turn it down and go to Nicaragua for a 7 month mission trip. However, as summer slipped through my fingers and finally I received my application, I realized that it wasn’t what I was supposed to do. So I decided not to go and got a job driving Courier for a small company that a friend of mine works for as the Edmonton Manager. First it was mostly hot shots and the morning run to Red Deer (in Red Deer by 7am) but the last month and a half I’ve been doing the full time in city route and I LOVE IT. I drive. I listen to music. I don't have to deal with cranky customers. It's fantastic.
Well after deciding I wasn’t going back to school this fall or going on mission trip, my rent free agreement with the folks was over so I called up one of my bests and moved into her apartment two weeks later. It has been about two and a half months and it is going really well (far as I know, hope she agrees!). I love being on my own, I love having a roommate, and as much as I want to end up in the country someday, for now, I love being closer to the city and my life.
I am still volunteering with the youth at my church, love it, love them, and am actually going as the female leader for their spring break Mexico mission trip. We’ve 15 youth, 7 girls and 8 boys I believe, and three of us leaders going down for about a week. Whats neat about it is it’ll be pretty much exactly ten years since I went down to Mexico as the youth. Ah- the many memories of El Paso Texas and Juarez, Mexico.
From here on forward, well good question. Keep working. Maybe find a second job. Determine if I want to go back to school for my Bachelors. Maybe back for a different field. Find a job that is more career than job. Possibly travel some more (unlikely unless it is with a work visa). Be lucky enough to find the man for me. Who knows. I sure don’t. Last time I try to guess, I wasn’t even close. But it should be fun moving forward, got to love how life constantly changes!
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Godwinks and A Date with God
I don’t believe in coincidences.
I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason and therefore coincidences are simply not possible. I don’t like believing that things happen without rhyme or reason. There has to be something more to it than that. I can’t simply accept that it occurs as a ‘fate of the universe’ or whatever you want to define coincidence by.
About a week and a half ago, I was at a friend’s housewarming party and having a late night chat with a good friend of mine. He commented that he felt like I was stressed and tense about things, that I was getting worried about too many things, and that he felt Ecuador would be good for me simply because I needed to get away for a while. (For those who don’t know, I applied to spend 6-8 months in Ecuador a few weeks ago, was waiting for a response for about 3 weeks and this conversation happened just before 2 weeks had past). He stated to me that he believed I really needed to take some time for myself, to step away from being so caught up in life. I went to bed with his words on my mind and thought about them alot the next day at work. In looking at my schedule I realized I had two days off in a row that week and decided I was going to take his words to heart sooner than intended- I began to make plans to go to Jasper for the night. Just one night. On my own. To drive up on Thursday, camp for the night, and then return on Friday in time to be at youth for 7pm.
I didn’t talk to too many people about it. Told a few people, most of whom seemed to think I was more than a little bit odd to want to drive all the way to Jasper to camp one night by myself. But I warmed to the idea very quickly. I love to drive. I love the mountains. I love when I have the time to sit and read without distractions, but I am so often distracted here. So to drive to Jasper, turn off my cell phone, camp for a night in the mountains, and to have time to spend alone, with God, without distractions... what could be a better way to spend two days off?
So? I went. I drove. I camped. I read. I reflected. I thought. I prayed. I worshipped. I relaxed.
And I loved it.
Psalm 2:12b reads ‘Blessed are all who take refuge in Him’ and essentially that is what I did. I took refuge in the silence. I came home feeling significantly more relaxed about life then I was when I left. Truth be told I hadn’t even really acknowledged that I was stressing about things. I freely admit I get distracted, that isn’t a secret, but the stress was creeping in slowly and I didn’t even realize it was there. But as I drove down the highway, stopping randomly to eat beside a river, as I sat at a campsite just outside Jasper, reading a book on Godwinks while sitting in the great outdoors, listening to the birds, bundled against the chill, and keeping my citronella candles close, as I drove down a back mountain road- so narrow it is one way based on the time you start to drive down it, as I sat beside the river near my campsite and simply read part of my Bible, I felt the stress begin to melt.
Hold on a moment. You’ve never heard of the term Godwinks? I hadn’t either before my night away, perhaps I'll call it my date with God, but the book that I read was on Godwinks- little happenings and coincidences that occur seemingly out of the blue or without reason. The author (whose name I can’t remember) wrote that “every Godwink is another reminder- another small, still message from God- that everything is going to be ok. Someday you will see everything from His perspective, and you’ll understand” and that essentially, “Godwinks are His way of sending us hugs, directly from Him”. Throughout the book he tells story after story of Godwinks- the little moments that happen (or sometimes don’t happen) right when you need them. He explained that Godwinks can occur in a variety of ways, personally, in hope, in comfort, in prayer and response to prayer, in unanswered prayers, in the moments that happen just in time, through family, and on our quests in life. Perhaps he explains them best in the conclusion where he state that “Godwinks are signposts from God, making his presence known in our everyday lives.”
What amazed me most as I was reading the book, is the logic of so much of what he was saying and the realization that my life, and likely yours, has been full of Godwinks, big and small, that have changed my life and are both small and large parts of I am where I am today. The phone call from a friend I haven’t talked to in forever just when I am feeling down, unexpected compliments, my hugs from God (explained in a previous post- Jan 2009- A God Thing), having the ability to find some peace after the death of my best friend (Aug 2009 post), an aunt and uncle unknowlingly showing up at my work when I desperately needed a pick me up, realizing in Haiti that I should be getting into Social Work not massage therapy, and there are so many more, as soon as I stop to think about them, Godwinks have been and are still, everywhere in my life.
What I didn’t realize, is that my friend telling me that he felt I needed time away was a Godwink. That my mini, one night trip to the mountains, was a Godwink. Returning home on Friday, I found myself so much more relaxed about everything. It was as if I finally allowed myself to return to living the 5 simple words that used to be such a key part of my life, I had finally remembered to “let go and let God”. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favourite bible verses, it was a huge strength for me after Mikes death- one of those Godwinks as a good friend of mine gave me a small little inspiration card that had this verse on it and it was something I needed so badly to remember. It reads “‘For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’”
Turns out I needed to remember that. Because on Sunday Evening, I received an email from Ecuador telling me that while they appreciate my application, they feel that my lack of Spanish and my inexperience in social work practice in connection to the medical field means I am not a fit for what they are looking for at this time.
I thought I would be crushed if I received a no, I wanted to go so badly, but instead found myself almost instantly ok with it. Don’t get me wrong, I was disappointed, rejection is rejection, but I quickly accepted that if that was their decision, then it simply wasn’t supposed to be at this time, that for whatever reason, Ecuador is not where the Lord wants me right now. That maybe I wasn’t being called to go, maybe I was simply being tested to see if I would respond to the call to go. While this window of opportunity might be closing, somewhere out there, another door is opening- most likely in connection to my returning to school in the fall as I will be attending the University of Calgary’s satellite campus in Edmonton to turn my 2 year social work diploma from MacEwan into a Bachelor of Social Work Degree.
I received a crucial Godwink, at 4 in the morning, planting the seed of realization that I needed quiet time alone. I happened to have two days off in a row just days later- with no plans yet none-the-less. I took a trip and found a peace I didn’t realize I was missing, and suddenly dealing with one of the biggest “no’s” of my life is a breeze because I was able to reflect on my date with God and accept that it simply isn’t His plan for me at this time. It is just not meant to be, not part of His plan for me to actually go.
Think back on your day. Your week. Your month. Your life. Where have your Godwinks been? They are there, you just need to take the time to recognize them.I know that I am sure going to be paying better attention to the Godwinks in my life, and I hope to try give them the recognition they deserve!
I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason and therefore coincidences are simply not possible. I don’t like believing that things happen without rhyme or reason. There has to be something more to it than that. I can’t simply accept that it occurs as a ‘fate of the universe’ or whatever you want to define coincidence by.
About a week and a half ago, I was at a friend’s housewarming party and having a late night chat with a good friend of mine. He commented that he felt like I was stressed and tense about things, that I was getting worried about too many things, and that he felt Ecuador would be good for me simply because I needed to get away for a while. (For those who don’t know, I applied to spend 6-8 months in Ecuador a few weeks ago, was waiting for a response for about 3 weeks and this conversation happened just before 2 weeks had past). He stated to me that he believed I really needed to take some time for myself, to step away from being so caught up in life. I went to bed with his words on my mind and thought about them alot the next day at work. In looking at my schedule I realized I had two days off in a row that week and decided I was going to take his words to heart sooner than intended- I began to make plans to go to Jasper for the night. Just one night. On my own. To drive up on Thursday, camp for the night, and then return on Friday in time to be at youth for 7pm.
I didn’t talk to too many people about it. Told a few people, most of whom seemed to think I was more than a little bit odd to want to drive all the way to Jasper to camp one night by myself. But I warmed to the idea very quickly. I love to drive. I love the mountains. I love when I have the time to sit and read without distractions, but I am so often distracted here. So to drive to Jasper, turn off my cell phone, camp for a night in the mountains, and to have time to spend alone, with God, without distractions... what could be a better way to spend two days off?
So? I went. I drove. I camped. I read. I reflected. I thought. I prayed. I worshipped. I relaxed.
And I loved it.
Psalm 2:12b reads ‘Blessed are all who take refuge in Him’ and essentially that is what I did. I took refuge in the silence. I came home feeling significantly more relaxed about life then I was when I left. Truth be told I hadn’t even really acknowledged that I was stressing about things. I freely admit I get distracted, that isn’t a secret, but the stress was creeping in slowly and I didn’t even realize it was there. But as I drove down the highway, stopping randomly to eat beside a river, as I sat at a campsite just outside Jasper, reading a book on Godwinks while sitting in the great outdoors, listening to the birds, bundled against the chill, and keeping my citronella candles close, as I drove down a back mountain road- so narrow it is one way based on the time you start to drive down it, as I sat beside the river near my campsite and simply read part of my Bible, I felt the stress begin to melt.
Hold on a moment. You’ve never heard of the term Godwinks? I hadn’t either before my night away, perhaps I'll call it my date with God, but the book that I read was on Godwinks- little happenings and coincidences that occur seemingly out of the blue or without reason. The author (whose name I can’t remember) wrote that “every Godwink is another reminder- another small, still message from God- that everything is going to be ok. Someday you will see everything from His perspective, and you’ll understand” and that essentially, “Godwinks are His way of sending us hugs, directly from Him”. Throughout the book he tells story after story of Godwinks- the little moments that happen (or sometimes don’t happen) right when you need them. He explained that Godwinks can occur in a variety of ways, personally, in hope, in comfort, in prayer and response to prayer, in unanswered prayers, in the moments that happen just in time, through family, and on our quests in life. Perhaps he explains them best in the conclusion where he state that “Godwinks are signposts from God, making his presence known in our everyday lives.”
What amazed me most as I was reading the book, is the logic of so much of what he was saying and the realization that my life, and likely yours, has been full of Godwinks, big and small, that have changed my life and are both small and large parts of I am where I am today. The phone call from a friend I haven’t talked to in forever just when I am feeling down, unexpected compliments, my hugs from God (explained in a previous post- Jan 2009- A God Thing), having the ability to find some peace after the death of my best friend (Aug 2009 post), an aunt and uncle unknowlingly showing up at my work when I desperately needed a pick me up, realizing in Haiti that I should be getting into Social Work not massage therapy, and there are so many more, as soon as I stop to think about them, Godwinks have been and are still, everywhere in my life.
What I didn’t realize, is that my friend telling me that he felt I needed time away was a Godwink. That my mini, one night trip to the mountains, was a Godwink. Returning home on Friday, I found myself so much more relaxed about everything. It was as if I finally allowed myself to return to living the 5 simple words that used to be such a key part of my life, I had finally remembered to “let go and let God”. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favourite bible verses, it was a huge strength for me after Mikes death- one of those Godwinks as a good friend of mine gave me a small little inspiration card that had this verse on it and it was something I needed so badly to remember. It reads “‘For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’”
Turns out I needed to remember that. Because on Sunday Evening, I received an email from Ecuador telling me that while they appreciate my application, they feel that my lack of Spanish and my inexperience in social work practice in connection to the medical field means I am not a fit for what they are looking for at this time.
I thought I would be crushed if I received a no, I wanted to go so badly, but instead found myself almost instantly ok with it. Don’t get me wrong, I was disappointed, rejection is rejection, but I quickly accepted that if that was their decision, then it simply wasn’t supposed to be at this time, that for whatever reason, Ecuador is not where the Lord wants me right now. That maybe I wasn’t being called to go, maybe I was simply being tested to see if I would respond to the call to go. While this window of opportunity might be closing, somewhere out there, another door is opening- most likely in connection to my returning to school in the fall as I will be attending the University of Calgary’s satellite campus in Edmonton to turn my 2 year social work diploma from MacEwan into a Bachelor of Social Work Degree.
I received a crucial Godwink, at 4 in the morning, planting the seed of realization that I needed quiet time alone. I happened to have two days off in a row just days later- with no plans yet none-the-less. I took a trip and found a peace I didn’t realize I was missing, and suddenly dealing with one of the biggest “no’s” of my life is a breeze because I was able to reflect on my date with God and accept that it simply isn’t His plan for me at this time. It is just not meant to be, not part of His plan for me to actually go.
Think back on your day. Your week. Your month. Your life. Where have your Godwinks been? They are there, you just need to take the time to recognize them.I know that I am sure going to be paying better attention to the Godwinks in my life, and I hope to try give them the recognition they deserve!
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Almost Diploma Time! Problem is, THEN WHAT!
Guess what!?!?
In just a few short weeks (even shorter when I think of the number of assignments and the big final that are yet to come, but that’s besides the point), I will wrap up my second year as a social work student and prepare to receive my Diploma in Social Work at convocation in June. Yep. I am FINALLY going to get a piece of paper that says I have been to school. I started at Kings in fall 2005, went on and off, mostly part time, while I worked or travelled in the process and in between, entered Macewan’s Social Work Program in fall 2009, and in just a few weeks will finally be done and have a piece of paper with a stamp and a seal that I will proudly hang on… my bedroom wall?
Big question now is the one I have been asking since I was like 14. Then what? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to be? 10 years later and I’m still asking the same old question. And truth is, I am still mostly without answers. I honestly thought that my two years in the program would give me a bit more direction and while I admit I have a few more ideas, I am no more certain that I was 2 years ago, heck I don’t even think I’m much more certain than I was 10 years ago when I started to stress about it!
So, at loss for what to do next, I applied for the University of Calgary’s satellite campus in Edmonton. The thing about this campus is that it is supposed to be fairly competitive to get in. They take about 50 students, 25 university graduates and 25 diploma transfer students. So of anyone who has received a social work diploma in the last 5 years, full time or part time, 25 get in. Now I realize that they aren’t all applying, but still a scary thought. What’s the big deal you ask? Why would you need a degree anyways? Well the most obvious answer is money, as with anything else, the more educated you are, the more money you make. Next is that with a number of agencies, they simply don’t hire diploma graduates- unless you have a long history of field related experience. Other agencies, such as Children Services, just prefer the degree. To apply there you either need a degree or a diploma and a minimum of 3 years of field experience. And finally, Alberta is the only province that allows people in possession of a diploma to be recognized as Registered Social Workers- and your best bet is to be registered as a social worker. Other provinces, in the States, and even internationally (I believe), while they might recognize you have some education in the field, you can’t register which makes it hard to practice within a lot of the positions.
What’s the big deal about that then? Well, I don’t know that I’m going to be in Alberta the rest of my life. At this point, I am 24 and single and have no idea where life is going to take me. I’ve looked at doing international work, at international missions. When I do find the man that God has in store for me, I don’t know where our life will take us, whether within Canada or elsewhere in the world even. So the degree just seems like a logical step.
Then what is the problem? Well, at first I was just worried that I wouldn’t get accepted. My application was dropped off at the Edmonton office on the final day of early admissions. Realistically do I have a shot, sure of course I do. But my biggest concern is that when it comes down to practical experience, I don’t have much of it. A number of my classmates have been working in Shelters, group homes, or other agencies for sometime now. People took jobs at their placements from last year, or kept with them as volunteers. I have been waiting tables for 6 ½ years. So yeah, I am worried that I wont get in. So I started to think that maybe I need a back up plan. Well, somewhere along the way, my thoughts about the backup plan have begun to overcome my thoughts to go to school. Long story short, at this point, I am actually quite certain that I don’t want to go back to school in the fall. First thing to point out is that I am very aware that I tend to teeter totter on these issues, so this could change, but after a lot of thought and a number of discussions, I honestly think taking a year off is best for me. So what am I going to do with that year?
Well, I am currently researching a number of longer term mission opportunities. As in 6-12 months long. I am getting more and more excited about the prospect of going, although I am fast running out of time in deciding where I want to go. It just seems to make sense for me to go now. I live at home, so don’t need to worry about rent or bills or a house sitter. I’m single so it is easy to up and go (not that I wont miss family and friends of course). Any sort of overseas work will look fantastic on a resume so if I don’t get into U of C this year, I’d be a shoo in for next year and if I do get accepted, and they allow me to differ the acceptance, then it’ll just look great on a resume when I start looking for work in the field, either locally, nationally, or even internationally. There are so many little things that just make it seem to be the right thing to do, but there is one problem. I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. There are a number of different agencies I spoke with at Mission Fest that I am researching, but at this point nothing has leapt off the page at me. So as I wrap this post up, have to get back to my placement, I ask a favour of those who are reading this and have a few moments to spare. Would you pray for me? Pray that I might find the right mission for me? Pray that I might be led to the right agency, that the application goes well, and that my hopeful September departure date could become a reality? Pray that once I find an agency and get accepted, that fundraising goes smoothly? Pray that wherever I go I might be a blessing and find a place that has a need for all it is that I have to offer? And most of all Pray that I might have the confidence in knowing this is something that God wants me to do, not just something I’ve decided to do? It isn’t like it was with going to Haiti, then I was thinking maybe, found the agency and just knew. This time I strongly feel I need to go somewhere, I just have no idea where, or for what, or even really for how long.
Thanks for following along. Thanks for the few moments of prayer if you were able to do so. I promise I’ll keep you posted if there are changes. I hope that means I can fill you in soon!
In just a few short weeks (even shorter when I think of the number of assignments and the big final that are yet to come, but that’s besides the point), I will wrap up my second year as a social work student and prepare to receive my Diploma in Social Work at convocation in June. Yep. I am FINALLY going to get a piece of paper that says I have been to school. I started at Kings in fall 2005, went on and off, mostly part time, while I worked or travelled in the process and in between, entered Macewan’s Social Work Program in fall 2009, and in just a few weeks will finally be done and have a piece of paper with a stamp and a seal that I will proudly hang on… my bedroom wall?
Big question now is the one I have been asking since I was like 14. Then what? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to be? 10 years later and I’m still asking the same old question. And truth is, I am still mostly without answers. I honestly thought that my two years in the program would give me a bit more direction and while I admit I have a few more ideas, I am no more certain that I was 2 years ago, heck I don’t even think I’m much more certain than I was 10 years ago when I started to stress about it!
So, at loss for what to do next, I applied for the University of Calgary’s satellite campus in Edmonton. The thing about this campus is that it is supposed to be fairly competitive to get in. They take about 50 students, 25 university graduates and 25 diploma transfer students. So of anyone who has received a social work diploma in the last 5 years, full time or part time, 25 get in. Now I realize that they aren’t all applying, but still a scary thought. What’s the big deal you ask? Why would you need a degree anyways? Well the most obvious answer is money, as with anything else, the more educated you are, the more money you make. Next is that with a number of agencies, they simply don’t hire diploma graduates- unless you have a long history of field related experience. Other agencies, such as Children Services, just prefer the degree. To apply there you either need a degree or a diploma and a minimum of 3 years of field experience. And finally, Alberta is the only province that allows people in possession of a diploma to be recognized as Registered Social Workers- and your best bet is to be registered as a social worker. Other provinces, in the States, and even internationally (I believe), while they might recognize you have some education in the field, you can’t register which makes it hard to practice within a lot of the positions.
What’s the big deal about that then? Well, I don’t know that I’m going to be in Alberta the rest of my life. At this point, I am 24 and single and have no idea where life is going to take me. I’ve looked at doing international work, at international missions. When I do find the man that God has in store for me, I don’t know where our life will take us, whether within Canada or elsewhere in the world even. So the degree just seems like a logical step.
Then what is the problem? Well, at first I was just worried that I wouldn’t get accepted. My application was dropped off at the Edmonton office on the final day of early admissions. Realistically do I have a shot, sure of course I do. But my biggest concern is that when it comes down to practical experience, I don’t have much of it. A number of my classmates have been working in Shelters, group homes, or other agencies for sometime now. People took jobs at their placements from last year, or kept with them as volunteers. I have been waiting tables for 6 ½ years. So yeah, I am worried that I wont get in. So I started to think that maybe I need a back up plan. Well, somewhere along the way, my thoughts about the backup plan have begun to overcome my thoughts to go to school. Long story short, at this point, I am actually quite certain that I don’t want to go back to school in the fall. First thing to point out is that I am very aware that I tend to teeter totter on these issues, so this could change, but after a lot of thought and a number of discussions, I honestly think taking a year off is best for me. So what am I going to do with that year?
Well, I am currently researching a number of longer term mission opportunities. As in 6-12 months long. I am getting more and more excited about the prospect of going, although I am fast running out of time in deciding where I want to go. It just seems to make sense for me to go now. I live at home, so don’t need to worry about rent or bills or a house sitter. I’m single so it is easy to up and go (not that I wont miss family and friends of course). Any sort of overseas work will look fantastic on a resume so if I don’t get into U of C this year, I’d be a shoo in for next year and if I do get accepted, and they allow me to differ the acceptance, then it’ll just look great on a resume when I start looking for work in the field, either locally, nationally, or even internationally. There are so many little things that just make it seem to be the right thing to do, but there is one problem. I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. There are a number of different agencies I spoke with at Mission Fest that I am researching, but at this point nothing has leapt off the page at me. So as I wrap this post up, have to get back to my placement, I ask a favour of those who are reading this and have a few moments to spare. Would you pray for me? Pray that I might find the right mission for me? Pray that I might be led to the right agency, that the application goes well, and that my hopeful September departure date could become a reality? Pray that once I find an agency and get accepted, that fundraising goes smoothly? Pray that wherever I go I might be a blessing and find a place that has a need for all it is that I have to offer? And most of all Pray that I might have the confidence in knowing this is something that God wants me to do, not just something I’ve decided to do? It isn’t like it was with going to Haiti, then I was thinking maybe, found the agency and just knew. This time I strongly feel I need to go somewhere, I just have no idea where, or for what, or even really for how long.
Thanks for following along. Thanks for the few moments of prayer if you were able to do so. I promise I’ll keep you posted if there are changes. I hope that means I can fill you in soon!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Prayer, Disconnection, and Breakforth 2011
Disclaimer: It speaks on spirituality. I’m not looking to debate or offend or preach or anything. I’m simply looking to give testament to where I am at and some of the process that got me here. My beliefs are part of who I am, all I ask is you accept it as that.
Breakforth Canada was this last weekend. Already there some of you might be scratching your head wondering what Breakforth is. With several thousand people in attendance and it is pretty much like having 4 massive church services in a weekend, alongside of 5 breakout sessions with renowned speakers and authors on a vast number of topics. While it is somewhat designed to be a weekend of spiritual growth and renewal for members of the Christian community, it is (as far as I know) non denominational and not only for believers. It is open to all and like I said, covers a vast number of topics. It was my third time attending and I still absolutely love it. Already when people ask me how my weekend went, I struggle in knowing what to say because I honestly find myself unable to appropriately sum it up in a few words and explain it sufficiently. The simplest way is to say that I think I now have peace where I didn’t know there was turmoil. That I think I have found prayer again and with that I so hope I have found my relationship with Jesus again as I truly believe that prayer is one of the keys to a relationship with my Lord.
I suppose to fully explain what this weekend was for me I do have to go back a little ways- and I should warn you that it might not really make sense to you how it all fits together but this is how it worked for me.
I’ve been struggling with my faith. I know it happens, that we’ve ups and downs in our walk with Christ, and it so happens that my current down has been a long one. Ever since Mike died I’ve had a lot of anger in me at God (which I felt guilty about at first, until I was reminded that anger is ok because it is an honest emotion and God wants us to have honest emotions in our relationship with him. Look at the Psalms! David is angry in them, but that doesn’t lessen the Lord’s love for him) and have had serious trouble connecting to Him. I still believed, that He loved me, that He died for me and rose for me, that my sins are washed away because of His love for me. That I have never questioned. But there was anger and a loss of intimacy that is such a valuable part of being a Christian.
In my social work program, one of the big things they talk about is how important it is for us to be ok with our own issues before we begin to deal with other peoples issues. If my parents were divorced when I was 8 and I’m not over that yet, how can I help someone deal with their own divorce or their parents divorce? Well because of this, most social work students have almost a hyper self awareness, we sit very in tune with our emotions. I heard something in one of my classes that was a kick in the butt for me and after struggling for a few days I called our youth pastor and set up a time to go in and chat with him.
Two days before our meeting I decided to attend a young adults service at a church in the south side that I’ve been going on and off to since the 11th grade (which is like 8 years ago!!!). I had been avoiding it as Mike and I used to go together. That service he spoke of atrophy and the importance of doing things even after we sometimes feel like we don’t want to be doing it any longer. Two days later I sat in front of my youth pastor and told him that I had fully intended to quit doing youth following the upcoming retreat but realized at that service that I needed to see out the year at least. He asked why and I explained to him my lack of a relationship with God and my lack of prayer life. I admitted that over the last 6 months I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’d prayed, and one of those was because on the last retreat we had to pray with the kids from our car. I told him that I didn’t think I was a good example because how can I set an example when I can’t even boast of a strong relationship with Christ. I then opened up and explained that it was more than just my faith, that I didn’t think I could boast of a strong relationship anywhere, that I felt distant from everything and didn’t know what to do. As I talked, he listened and then did what I was unable to do. He labelled it. He summed up my feelings into one word. Disconnected. It was the perfect word. Disconnected from God. Disconnected from my friends. Disconnected from my family. I simply had pulled in and stopped allowing myself to make connections to others.
As soon as the word was on it, it was like I had already turned around. I liken it to the first step in an addiction, admitting the addiction. I put a word on it and realized what I’d been doing. Good friends I had before Mike’s death had been shut out. I would make new friends, hang out and get to know them, but as soon as they really started to matter, I would simply stop contacting them so that they wouldn’t get past that wall I was beginning to build. I realized that I had made some major mistakes in my friendships and to be honest am still not sure I can repair them all. I realized I needed to change how I approached my family life. And most importantly, I had to get reconnected to God. He then told me that the coming weekend I would have to pray with my cabin, just in case I wanted the heads up- and I so appreciated it. He explained that sometimes the most important thing we can do when we are struggling with our faith is to be honest about it to others. I left our meeting with much to think about.
I did pray that weekend. But what is even more amazing is I felt somewhat comfortable doing it. I’ve never been great at prayer, especially aloud, then lost it almost completely within a short time after the burial. Yet somehow, at the retreat, I was comfortable praying with my cabin. I attributed it to having 5 days to think about it, but it stuck. Since then (early Nov ’10?), things have gotten a bit better, I honestly would almost call that a turning point for me. I’ve been happier. I’ve begun singing again. I’m attending the church on the southside more regularly. And while I can’t claim I’m praying daily or reading my bible consistently, I have prayed and for me that is a mountain climbed.
Then this weekend happened. I don’t know if I can explain it very well but I’ll try. It started with a fantastic speaker and some great worship on Fri night, but it was a struggle for me because of memories and I felt claustrophobic in the midst of a section. So Sat morning I joined some other friends sitting in an area no so central. Morning session was great again, speaker and worship. Then it was off to break outs. Now the breakout sessions are picked when we register in like October, so I can’t remember at all what I’m headed into anymore. Turns out my first two are same guy. Interesting. At the first session he spoke of the importance of making the time to meet with Jesus. He explained that prayer is a conversation, not a lecture (a phrase I’ve heard before but no less powerful to be reminded of it). Then he explained a method of meeting Jesus at our own personal place of prayer so that we can sit with him and talk. I was highly intrigued (I took some serious notes on the prayer steps, ask me about it if you want!). Second session, after lunch, he tells us that he is going to break down the two things that cause us pain. The first is the lies that we believe. After speaking about it for a bit he invites us to pray with him, and to go to our meeting place and ask Jesus what lie we’ve been believing about ourselves. He tells us to take this lie, to take it to the cross, to lay it at the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to help us be rid of it at its roots, the roots going to whatever event planted the lie in the first place. As he wraps up the prayer, looks up, sees a woman in tears and straight out begins to talk to her. He asks her if she is ok, if she found her lie and if she was able to bring it to the cross. She says no and starts to cry harder. He then walks her through the steps again, him on stage, her in her seat in the middle of the room, and asks her if she has put it at the foot of the cross. Yes, she has she says. Can she see the banner of what God has to say to you? No she answers, she can’t see anything. Moments later, another attendee raises their hand and states that they can see this woman’s banner (meaning a message from God) and asks if they can say it. Well over the next number of minutes, more than 30 people piped up and told this woman what God had written on her banner, all of them falling into a few specific themes so there was no doubt that they were being used as messengers to get it across to her. Finally the speaker looks at his watch and states, well, I was supposed to talk about the other cause of pain, but God has hijacked this session again so I guess we’ll leave it there. It was a powerful prayer moment.
I went to half of my next session, met up with the other youth leaders for dinner then a girlfriend and I joined my other friends (a couple of guys I met at my first Breakforth actually) again for the after dinner session and concert. After the session (which I loved the worship but didn’t like the speaker at all. Scare tactics are not ok in my book), I turned to my girlfriend and said to her, I really feel like you should be prayed for, can we go down to the prayer room. I’ve known her for years and have never said something like that to her before. She looks at me and says, I don’t really like being prayed over, but as long as you come with me ok. So we went downstairs, sat down with a prayer volunteer and she was prayed for. However as we left the room I really felt it wasn’t enough yet so I bit the bullet and said to her “I don’t know if that was what you were looking for, and I’m not comfortable really doing it and I know you aren’t comfortable getting it done, but can I pray for you as well? I really feel like there is more that needs to be said”. Somehow she agreed and we sat down, and after a bit of awkwardness on my part, I did just that. By the end of it, I had a certain peace that had been growing in me all day. It just felt good. So we went upstairs, enjoyed the concert (so good- Paul Baloche, Brian Doerksen, and a couple others that were great too!) and called it a night.
Then today (almost done I promise) I go to my first session of the day and am uncomfortable as soon as I walk into the room. The session hasn’t started yet, but there are about half a dozen people around the room standing there praying. I nearly turned around but made myself sit, there had to be a reason I picked it so I had to give it at least 5-10 mins. Well when it starts he explains that the session is about taking some time with Jesus and if we need to write while we do it, or draw then we should. Well imagine my intrigue at the thought of writing my prayer. Not so comfortable with prayer. Really comfortable with writing (as you can see), well lets try it... I can honestly say that by the end of that hour, I felt more peace than I have felt in a year and a half, likely longer. I felt like I had sat and bared myself to my Lord and it was an amazing feeling. I left the session feeling like the weight that had started to shift in November and start to shake yesterday, it had finally fallen. I felt like I had found prayer. Like I had found my relationship with God again. And with that, like I had begun to rediscover a contentment I had forgotten. Like I had taken a step towards being comfortable with who I am again. Like I had just taken a major leap towards becoming the person that I want to be. The last breakout was pretty good, and the final main session a reminder that the rough times in our lives build us up to be better people, led into by some amazing worship again.
So how was my weekend? Well, like I said above, I found peace where I didn’t realize there was turmoil. I found prayer when I had nearly given up on it. I found contentment I had forgotten existed. I found friendships that I’ve taken for granted, and realized others that, to be honest, I’ve likely wasted time on trying. I found Laura and have begun to bring her back. I dare say, my weekend, was great. It was a gift.
Breakforth Canada was this last weekend. Already there some of you might be scratching your head wondering what Breakforth is. With several thousand people in attendance and it is pretty much like having 4 massive church services in a weekend, alongside of 5 breakout sessions with renowned speakers and authors on a vast number of topics. While it is somewhat designed to be a weekend of spiritual growth and renewal for members of the Christian community, it is (as far as I know) non denominational and not only for believers. It is open to all and like I said, covers a vast number of topics. It was my third time attending and I still absolutely love it. Already when people ask me how my weekend went, I struggle in knowing what to say because I honestly find myself unable to appropriately sum it up in a few words and explain it sufficiently. The simplest way is to say that I think I now have peace where I didn’t know there was turmoil. That I think I have found prayer again and with that I so hope I have found my relationship with Jesus again as I truly believe that prayer is one of the keys to a relationship with my Lord.
I suppose to fully explain what this weekend was for me I do have to go back a little ways- and I should warn you that it might not really make sense to you how it all fits together but this is how it worked for me.
I’ve been struggling with my faith. I know it happens, that we’ve ups and downs in our walk with Christ, and it so happens that my current down has been a long one. Ever since Mike died I’ve had a lot of anger in me at God (which I felt guilty about at first, until I was reminded that anger is ok because it is an honest emotion and God wants us to have honest emotions in our relationship with him. Look at the Psalms! David is angry in them, but that doesn’t lessen the Lord’s love for him) and have had serious trouble connecting to Him. I still believed, that He loved me, that He died for me and rose for me, that my sins are washed away because of His love for me. That I have never questioned. But there was anger and a loss of intimacy that is such a valuable part of being a Christian.
In my social work program, one of the big things they talk about is how important it is for us to be ok with our own issues before we begin to deal with other peoples issues. If my parents were divorced when I was 8 and I’m not over that yet, how can I help someone deal with their own divorce or their parents divorce? Well because of this, most social work students have almost a hyper self awareness, we sit very in tune with our emotions. I heard something in one of my classes that was a kick in the butt for me and after struggling for a few days I called our youth pastor and set up a time to go in and chat with him.
Two days before our meeting I decided to attend a young adults service at a church in the south side that I’ve been going on and off to since the 11th grade (which is like 8 years ago!!!). I had been avoiding it as Mike and I used to go together. That service he spoke of atrophy and the importance of doing things even after we sometimes feel like we don’t want to be doing it any longer. Two days later I sat in front of my youth pastor and told him that I had fully intended to quit doing youth following the upcoming retreat but realized at that service that I needed to see out the year at least. He asked why and I explained to him my lack of a relationship with God and my lack of prayer life. I admitted that over the last 6 months I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’d prayed, and one of those was because on the last retreat we had to pray with the kids from our car. I told him that I didn’t think I was a good example because how can I set an example when I can’t even boast of a strong relationship with Christ. I then opened up and explained that it was more than just my faith, that I didn’t think I could boast of a strong relationship anywhere, that I felt distant from everything and didn’t know what to do. As I talked, he listened and then did what I was unable to do. He labelled it. He summed up my feelings into one word. Disconnected. It was the perfect word. Disconnected from God. Disconnected from my friends. Disconnected from my family. I simply had pulled in and stopped allowing myself to make connections to others.
As soon as the word was on it, it was like I had already turned around. I liken it to the first step in an addiction, admitting the addiction. I put a word on it and realized what I’d been doing. Good friends I had before Mike’s death had been shut out. I would make new friends, hang out and get to know them, but as soon as they really started to matter, I would simply stop contacting them so that they wouldn’t get past that wall I was beginning to build. I realized that I had made some major mistakes in my friendships and to be honest am still not sure I can repair them all. I realized I needed to change how I approached my family life. And most importantly, I had to get reconnected to God. He then told me that the coming weekend I would have to pray with my cabin, just in case I wanted the heads up- and I so appreciated it. He explained that sometimes the most important thing we can do when we are struggling with our faith is to be honest about it to others. I left our meeting with much to think about.
I did pray that weekend. But what is even more amazing is I felt somewhat comfortable doing it. I’ve never been great at prayer, especially aloud, then lost it almost completely within a short time after the burial. Yet somehow, at the retreat, I was comfortable praying with my cabin. I attributed it to having 5 days to think about it, but it stuck. Since then (early Nov ’10?), things have gotten a bit better, I honestly would almost call that a turning point for me. I’ve been happier. I’ve begun singing again. I’m attending the church on the southside more regularly. And while I can’t claim I’m praying daily or reading my bible consistently, I have prayed and for me that is a mountain climbed.
Then this weekend happened. I don’t know if I can explain it very well but I’ll try. It started with a fantastic speaker and some great worship on Fri night, but it was a struggle for me because of memories and I felt claustrophobic in the midst of a section. So Sat morning I joined some other friends sitting in an area no so central. Morning session was great again, speaker and worship. Then it was off to break outs. Now the breakout sessions are picked when we register in like October, so I can’t remember at all what I’m headed into anymore. Turns out my first two are same guy. Interesting. At the first session he spoke of the importance of making the time to meet with Jesus. He explained that prayer is a conversation, not a lecture (a phrase I’ve heard before but no less powerful to be reminded of it). Then he explained a method of meeting Jesus at our own personal place of prayer so that we can sit with him and talk. I was highly intrigued (I took some serious notes on the prayer steps, ask me about it if you want!). Second session, after lunch, he tells us that he is going to break down the two things that cause us pain. The first is the lies that we believe. After speaking about it for a bit he invites us to pray with him, and to go to our meeting place and ask Jesus what lie we’ve been believing about ourselves. He tells us to take this lie, to take it to the cross, to lay it at the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to help us be rid of it at its roots, the roots going to whatever event planted the lie in the first place. As he wraps up the prayer, looks up, sees a woman in tears and straight out begins to talk to her. He asks her if she is ok, if she found her lie and if she was able to bring it to the cross. She says no and starts to cry harder. He then walks her through the steps again, him on stage, her in her seat in the middle of the room, and asks her if she has put it at the foot of the cross. Yes, she has she says. Can she see the banner of what God has to say to you? No she answers, she can’t see anything. Moments later, another attendee raises their hand and states that they can see this woman’s banner (meaning a message from God) and asks if they can say it. Well over the next number of minutes, more than 30 people piped up and told this woman what God had written on her banner, all of them falling into a few specific themes so there was no doubt that they were being used as messengers to get it across to her. Finally the speaker looks at his watch and states, well, I was supposed to talk about the other cause of pain, but God has hijacked this session again so I guess we’ll leave it there. It was a powerful prayer moment.
I went to half of my next session, met up with the other youth leaders for dinner then a girlfriend and I joined my other friends (a couple of guys I met at my first Breakforth actually) again for the after dinner session and concert. After the session (which I loved the worship but didn’t like the speaker at all. Scare tactics are not ok in my book), I turned to my girlfriend and said to her, I really feel like you should be prayed for, can we go down to the prayer room. I’ve known her for years and have never said something like that to her before. She looks at me and says, I don’t really like being prayed over, but as long as you come with me ok. So we went downstairs, sat down with a prayer volunteer and she was prayed for. However as we left the room I really felt it wasn’t enough yet so I bit the bullet and said to her “I don’t know if that was what you were looking for, and I’m not comfortable really doing it and I know you aren’t comfortable getting it done, but can I pray for you as well? I really feel like there is more that needs to be said”. Somehow she agreed and we sat down, and after a bit of awkwardness on my part, I did just that. By the end of it, I had a certain peace that had been growing in me all day. It just felt good. So we went upstairs, enjoyed the concert (so good- Paul Baloche, Brian Doerksen, and a couple others that were great too!) and called it a night.
Then today (almost done I promise) I go to my first session of the day and am uncomfortable as soon as I walk into the room. The session hasn’t started yet, but there are about half a dozen people around the room standing there praying. I nearly turned around but made myself sit, there had to be a reason I picked it so I had to give it at least 5-10 mins. Well when it starts he explains that the session is about taking some time with Jesus and if we need to write while we do it, or draw then we should. Well imagine my intrigue at the thought of writing my prayer. Not so comfortable with prayer. Really comfortable with writing (as you can see), well lets try it... I can honestly say that by the end of that hour, I felt more peace than I have felt in a year and a half, likely longer. I felt like I had sat and bared myself to my Lord and it was an amazing feeling. I left the session feeling like the weight that had started to shift in November and start to shake yesterday, it had finally fallen. I felt like I had found prayer. Like I had found my relationship with God again. And with that, like I had begun to rediscover a contentment I had forgotten. Like I had taken a step towards being comfortable with who I am again. Like I had just taken a major leap towards becoming the person that I want to be. The last breakout was pretty good, and the final main session a reminder that the rough times in our lives build us up to be better people, led into by some amazing worship again.
So how was my weekend? Well, like I said above, I found peace where I didn’t realize there was turmoil. I found prayer when I had nearly given up on it. I found contentment I had forgotten existed. I found friendships that I’ve taken for granted, and realized others that, to be honest, I’ve likely wasted time on trying. I found Laura and have begun to bring her back. I dare say, my weekend, was great. It was a gift.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Puzzle of My Life
*Disclaimer- honest thoughts below. A little bit long. A little bit random. Totally from the heart.
It blows my mind how life happens sometimes. I know it’s been along while, and to be honest I am hesitant about writing even now, it’s been hard to find the words to express what I have been feeling since Mike died. But sitting by the ocean today I felt the need to write and when we got back to the house I still felt the urge and so I will share my thoughts from today, and add some to it before and after. It is random- I know it, but those who know me well know that I usually am random so that isn’t unusual. It asks a lot of questions, but again, not unusual for me. It shares my thoughts and feelings and I think over the last year that has been the hardest concept for me in regards to posting on here again- do people really want to hear my thoughts and feelings? Do they care? Do they judge me for them? Is it trivial to even bother. Then I thought to myself today, if they don’t want to know them, they wont read them (if that means you, please just save us both the hassle and stop now). If they will judge me for them, hopefully they care enough to not tell me, to keep it to themselves. And anything beyond that, I am just sharing my thoughts, often through a stream of consciousness, it isn’t politically, academically, philosophically, or spiritually correct at all times, it is just coming from my heart and being put onto paper. So here goes.
I don’t think that people really understand grief. I don’t think anyone can possibly understand the pain, suffering, and loss that another goes through after a death of a loved one- family, friend, acquaintance, or even pet. It is impossible, I think, for anyone else to completely understand the importance your relationship with that person or creature had on you. It could be someone you barely knew, and still the loss could affect you in ways never imagined. Or it could be someone more dear to you than anyone else, and as a result, completely rock your world. But in the end, the grief is personal. It lessens if you share it- with those who are grieving for the same person, with those who might not of known the person but who know you and want to help you through your loss, and with random people through random stories or memories. These opportunities to share your grief are so valuable and can work wonders. But at the same time, it is hard to share your grief because it is so personal and it is so hard to explain. Nobody on the ‘outside’ seems to understand it, and you can’t explain it. Why does it hurt so bad? I don’t know. Why does it last so long? I don’t know. Why are you still having problems with it so long after it happened? I don’t know. When are you gonna get back to ‘normal’? I don’t know. There are so many “whys” and “whens” that come from those around you, people who don’t understand and either want to help or simply think that the ‘grieving period’ should be over- but the problem is there aren’t answers. I don’t blame them for not understanding, I don’t get it myself, it is just frustrating. It takes time. I heard at a conference that the worst of the grief doesn’t even begin to set in until a significant time period has passed. It is normal to need time.
Now to be fair, with that time does come healing. I know I am getting better. The music is starting to come back- as in I like listening to it again. I like singing along sometimes again (not as often as before, but getting better). I’ve even done karaoke a few times lately. The music is starting to play in my head again, which might sound ridiculous but it is something that I have dearly missed. I am starting to find myself happier and more relaxed again. It is becoming easier to see the joy in life, to appreciate the little things and the big things, and to acknowledge those moments that require we notice them. That isn’t to say I don’t have my bad moments. There are still moments that trigger me like nothing I could have imagined. I’ve experienced some minor panic attacks for the first time in my life. I am avoiding certain places, although they are getting less and less and I figure it’s better to face them than to keep running away from them. The worst of my bad moments is that I am struggling spiritually. I still believe, I know He is there and all of that, and really I don’t know how to explain my struggles but to say that my relationship with God is definitely not at its best, but even as I say that I know that it is sitting there, waiting for me to weed out the crap and let it bloom.
But I don’t think I can handle much more of the deep stuff right now, so taking a break and let me share what got me writing this afternoon.
I’m on a road trip, two weeks long, with my cousin from Holland (well, 2nd cousin once removed if you want to get technical) and we are staying with a good friend of mine in Mission for a couple of days. Early this morning the three of us headed out to Vancouver Island for the day. Somehow, I am sitting here on Vancouver Island with two men that I hardly ever see and yet I feel so relaxed, so at easy that it actually blows my mind. To be fair, both are ridiculously easy going and they get along famously which is awesome and definitely simplifies the whole day, but regardless, I can’t believe how life can work sometimes.
In two days it will be the 1 year anniversary of Mike’s death. A date that I have been dreading- for what I think of obvious reasons. Yet somehow, rather than keeping my nose to the grindstone and drawing into myself, hiding from the world as I deal with my personal issues, I find myself taking a lazy day, relaxing on Vancouver Island while two men who are dear to me hunt for crabs among the rocks as the tide begins to rise. Instead of hiding in my room, avoiding people, and trying to figure out what I will do to forget the day, I am enjoying the day that I am on, living my life and laying on a piece of driftwood, sunning myself among the rocks, listening to the waves, smelling the salt, watching Kurt and Rene hunt crabs, and feeling the heat of the sun, barely into a two week road trip that will take me over 5000 Miles before it is done- something I have dreamed of doing but never figured to become a reality- especially so soon!
What gets me the most, ignoring the obvious ‘hey, I’m road tripping with a cousin I’ve spent maybe the equivalence of two ½ weeks with and visiting a guy I met at a wedding when I was 16’ is that I am the first to admit I haven’t been very strong in my walk with God (as I touched upon above) and yet somehow He still cares enough to have me out and distracted on the days leading up to, and following (and hopefully on), the anniversary. How Great Is Our God that He cares so much that He doesn’t just create the pieces of the puzzles of our life, but He patiently guides us through them, fully aware that even when a puzzle is completed we might not see the whole picture and actually might still be unaware of the wonder and magnificence of what He has so lovingly shaped. I haven’t been praying much. I haven’t been singing. I haven’t been listening. I haven’t been worshipping. I haven’t been a trusting daughter of the King but that doesn’t matter to Him. Somehow, He still knows exactly what I needed, no. not past tense. He still knows exactly what I need, and provides the opportunities for it to be so. He still loves me so much that He just keeps waiting, watching me and smiling as I fit together the pieces that He has laid out for me.
He brought me here, I know it without a shadow of a doubt, here to the island, here to relaxation, here to moments of peace, here to contentment, with two men whom matter to me so much, each in their own way, and He gives me precisely what I need. I don’t know what to say to Him but thank you. For the puzzle that is my life. For the pieces He has made for me. For the guidance to put them as they belong. Thank you, for the love and care and watchful eye. Thank you for the friends that matter so much and who care for me and remind me that it is ok to keep trusting people to be there for me. Thank you, for the men in my life, the ones that really matter, past and present. Thank you. For taking my heart and holding it tight, guarding it as I struggle through the rough patches.
It blows my mind how life happens sometimes. I know it’s been along while, and to be honest I am hesitant about writing even now, it’s been hard to find the words to express what I have been feeling since Mike died. But sitting by the ocean today I felt the need to write and when we got back to the house I still felt the urge and so I will share my thoughts from today, and add some to it before and after. It is random- I know it, but those who know me well know that I usually am random so that isn’t unusual. It asks a lot of questions, but again, not unusual for me. It shares my thoughts and feelings and I think over the last year that has been the hardest concept for me in regards to posting on here again- do people really want to hear my thoughts and feelings? Do they care? Do they judge me for them? Is it trivial to even bother. Then I thought to myself today, if they don’t want to know them, they wont read them (if that means you, please just save us both the hassle and stop now). If they will judge me for them, hopefully they care enough to not tell me, to keep it to themselves. And anything beyond that, I am just sharing my thoughts, often through a stream of consciousness, it isn’t politically, academically, philosophically, or spiritually correct at all times, it is just coming from my heart and being put onto paper. So here goes.
I don’t think that people really understand grief. I don’t think anyone can possibly understand the pain, suffering, and loss that another goes through after a death of a loved one- family, friend, acquaintance, or even pet. It is impossible, I think, for anyone else to completely understand the importance your relationship with that person or creature had on you. It could be someone you barely knew, and still the loss could affect you in ways never imagined. Or it could be someone more dear to you than anyone else, and as a result, completely rock your world. But in the end, the grief is personal. It lessens if you share it- with those who are grieving for the same person, with those who might not of known the person but who know you and want to help you through your loss, and with random people through random stories or memories. These opportunities to share your grief are so valuable and can work wonders. But at the same time, it is hard to share your grief because it is so personal and it is so hard to explain. Nobody on the ‘outside’ seems to understand it, and you can’t explain it. Why does it hurt so bad? I don’t know. Why does it last so long? I don’t know. Why are you still having problems with it so long after it happened? I don’t know. When are you gonna get back to ‘normal’? I don’t know. There are so many “whys” and “whens” that come from those around you, people who don’t understand and either want to help or simply think that the ‘grieving period’ should be over- but the problem is there aren’t answers. I don’t blame them for not understanding, I don’t get it myself, it is just frustrating. It takes time. I heard at a conference that the worst of the grief doesn’t even begin to set in until a significant time period has passed. It is normal to need time.
Now to be fair, with that time does come healing. I know I am getting better. The music is starting to come back- as in I like listening to it again. I like singing along sometimes again (not as often as before, but getting better). I’ve even done karaoke a few times lately. The music is starting to play in my head again, which might sound ridiculous but it is something that I have dearly missed. I am starting to find myself happier and more relaxed again. It is becoming easier to see the joy in life, to appreciate the little things and the big things, and to acknowledge those moments that require we notice them. That isn’t to say I don’t have my bad moments. There are still moments that trigger me like nothing I could have imagined. I’ve experienced some minor panic attacks for the first time in my life. I am avoiding certain places, although they are getting less and less and I figure it’s better to face them than to keep running away from them. The worst of my bad moments is that I am struggling spiritually. I still believe, I know He is there and all of that, and really I don’t know how to explain my struggles but to say that my relationship with God is definitely not at its best, but even as I say that I know that it is sitting there, waiting for me to weed out the crap and let it bloom.
But I don’t think I can handle much more of the deep stuff right now, so taking a break and let me share what got me writing this afternoon.
I’m on a road trip, two weeks long, with my cousin from Holland (well, 2nd cousin once removed if you want to get technical) and we are staying with a good friend of mine in Mission for a couple of days. Early this morning the three of us headed out to Vancouver Island for the day. Somehow, I am sitting here on Vancouver Island with two men that I hardly ever see and yet I feel so relaxed, so at easy that it actually blows my mind. To be fair, both are ridiculously easy going and they get along famously which is awesome and definitely simplifies the whole day, but regardless, I can’t believe how life can work sometimes.
In two days it will be the 1 year anniversary of Mike’s death. A date that I have been dreading- for what I think of obvious reasons. Yet somehow, rather than keeping my nose to the grindstone and drawing into myself, hiding from the world as I deal with my personal issues, I find myself taking a lazy day, relaxing on Vancouver Island while two men who are dear to me hunt for crabs among the rocks as the tide begins to rise. Instead of hiding in my room, avoiding people, and trying to figure out what I will do to forget the day, I am enjoying the day that I am on, living my life and laying on a piece of driftwood, sunning myself among the rocks, listening to the waves, smelling the salt, watching Kurt and Rene hunt crabs, and feeling the heat of the sun, barely into a two week road trip that will take me over 5000 Miles before it is done- something I have dreamed of doing but never figured to become a reality- especially so soon!
What gets me the most, ignoring the obvious ‘hey, I’m road tripping with a cousin I’ve spent maybe the equivalence of two ½ weeks with and visiting a guy I met at a wedding when I was 16’ is that I am the first to admit I haven’t been very strong in my walk with God (as I touched upon above) and yet somehow He still cares enough to have me out and distracted on the days leading up to, and following (and hopefully on), the anniversary. How Great Is Our God that He cares so much that He doesn’t just create the pieces of the puzzles of our life, but He patiently guides us through them, fully aware that even when a puzzle is completed we might not see the whole picture and actually might still be unaware of the wonder and magnificence of what He has so lovingly shaped. I haven’t been praying much. I haven’t been singing. I haven’t been listening. I haven’t been worshipping. I haven’t been a trusting daughter of the King but that doesn’t matter to Him. Somehow, He still knows exactly what I needed, no. not past tense. He still knows exactly what I need, and provides the opportunities for it to be so. He still loves me so much that He just keeps waiting, watching me and smiling as I fit together the pieces that He has laid out for me.
He brought me here, I know it without a shadow of a doubt, here to the island, here to relaxation, here to moments of peace, here to contentment, with two men whom matter to me so much, each in their own way, and He gives me precisely what I need. I don’t know what to say to Him but thank you. For the puzzle that is my life. For the pieces He has made for me. For the guidance to put them as they belong. Thank you, for the love and care and watchful eye. Thank you for the friends that matter so much and who care for me and remind me that it is ok to keep trusting people to be there for me. Thank you, for the men in my life, the ones that really matter, past and present. Thank you. For taking my heart and holding it tight, guarding it as I struggle through the rough patches.
Friday, August 07, 2009
RIP Mike
I’m not really sure how I am supposed to act. What I am supposed to say. What I should be doing. My world has been tilted on its axis and to be honest, if I didn’t have the Lord next to me holding my hand, I am pretty sure I’d have fallen off by now.
Hold up. What? I guess I might explain myself better than that. I’ll try, but although it’s getting better, my thoughts are kind of a mess.
Mike died. You know Mike, he has been a part of my life for ages, first as the older brother to a friend, the friend of my sister, the son of my parents friends, then as my friend, as my boy friend, and finally as a best friend. He died on July 29th while on vacation in BC with his entire immediate family. They were cliff jumping and on his second jump, he didn’t resurface. The next morning the RCMP dive team headed out and within three hours had found his body- he had been underwater for 22 hours.
I miss him. Before anything else I hope that much is clear and obvious. Truthfully I missed him before, as we have had some distance between us for the last few months, I had been hoping recently that perhaps we might get past that and be ok again, back to hanging out as much as we have in the past, but I guess it’s too late now.
I’ve been struggling with his death, as anyone does, but even more so because it is Mike. He is, unquestionably, the closest thing I’ve ever had outside of my immediate family, knows me best, and closest to my heart. I have never known anyone else so full of life, so determined to have a good time, someone so willing to give up his own interests and spare time in order to help those around him and to spend time with the youth. He has grown so much in his faith the last few years and it has been a pleasure to watch. But somehow, despite all this, despite the huge impact he was having on the youth and the world that was opening up for him as he left his career to learn more about the Lord he loved and in his own words, ‘being ready to go’ wherever the Lord might call him, despite this, he was called Home.
I find peace in many little things surrounding his death. A week and a half before he died, his younger sister got married. Personally, despite the distance that was between us, I had a ridiculously strong urge to go, I felt I had to be there, that I had to show him my support and that even though we weren’t spending time together, he still mattered to me, I can only hope he understood and realized how much I still care. So I arranged to be off work early, and headed out to the wedding (which was beautiful). Afterwards I had another strong urge, I had to talk to him. So I did. At the time it seemed odd, but now I understand why. As we caught up, I learnt he had sold his house in St. Albert, was taking the insurance off his crotch rocket, was working his way through his Bible, was really excited for the upcoming mission trip to Slovakia, and thrilled about entering the program at Mount Caramel Bible College. He told me in no uncertain terms that he had pretty much cut off his ties here, that there was no longer anything holding him back and he was ready to go. When I asked where in particular, he kinda looked at me funny and told me “Wherever God wants me to be”. It was a powerful statement and one I never would have guessed would be put into practice so soon. After our talk and a quick jaunt through the receiving line, I slipped away without a good bye and left him to family and friends and the celebration surrounding Kari and Jordans’ union. He was happy, strong in his faith, and truly getting into what he felt God wanted him to do, it’s all I needed to know at that time.
I realize now a lot of things surrounding that short conversation. My strong, inexplicable urge to go to the wedding, wasn’t of my own decision. I believe completely that God wanted me to go, to speak to Mike, to catch up on life and see how content he was, how on fire he had become for the Lord, how happy he was with his life, and how much he was anticipating whatever his Savior might throw at him. I’ve thought long and hard in the last couple weeks and cannot remember the last time we had talked outside of that talk, possibly going all the way back to his birthday on April 8, when we stood outside church, looking at my brand new car, and catching up. The Lord wanted me to have a good and recent conversation to remember His servant, to remember my best friend. And it worked. I had known before that Mike had grown in his faith, had watched it happen really, but hearing him say he was reading his Bible (especially as he was not a reader) and that he was ready to go out into God’s Kingdom and spread the news, was such a blessing that I couldn’t be more grateful for those ten minutes or so I got to speak to him.
I believe that there are other little blessings surrounding his death:
I know without a doubt that he was having a heck of a time. Anyone who knew Mike knows he loved adventure and fun, and what could be better than jumping from 70 feet into the water surrounded by the family that he cared so much about.
I find peace and reassurance in the fact that he was knocked unconscious upon impact with the water and that the chances of him being aware of the fact his time on earth was finished were very slim. For me, there is great peace in knowing that while he might of been thinking, this is gonna hurt, it’s doubtful he would have assumed more than that.
The discovery of his body, as terrible as that may seem. I guess last year at least three people died there, jumping from those cliffs, and their bodies were not found. The fact that his was found so quickly following the arrival of the dive team, on a ledge some 72 feet underwater, is proof of God’s mercy, His comfort for those left behind to mourn.
There is a couple verses that someone mentioned to Shelly, and I am so grateful for it, because it seems to be a direct answer for why God would take someone like Mike.
Isaiah 57
1 The righteous perish,
1 The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
2 Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.
And finally, although I’m not sure blessing is the right word for it, someone made an interesting point to me a few days ago. He was competitive- once again not a secret. he loved to win, to be first. Somehow, although I wish it weren’t true, I wish it wasn’t the case, and I wish he was still with us so I could speak to him again, so I could tell him how I feel, how much he means to me- Mike definitely loved to be first, the first to finish something, the first to try something, so I suppose he should be the first to get to Heaven, the first to meet our Maker face to face, the first to sing praises with the Heavenly Host. He is gonna be standing at St. Peters gate, waiting to show us around when we get there, and I doubt there will be a better guide, because he will have tried everything to the max!
I could go on and on, but I have to get ready for work, proof that somehow, life must go on. Truthfully, I just keep waiting to wake up, I keep hoping that I am going to roll over, hit the alarm, and find out that the last two and a half weeks were a terrible dream, denial is a great coping mechanism I don’t care what people tell you otherwise. I am angry with God, there is no question about it, but my sister-in-law tells me that it is ok to be angry with Him (don’t believe it? Read the Psalms!), it is a relationship after all, we don’t always have to be happy with what happens. Even through my anger, I know He has a purpose for it, one that I will likely never understand.
I will miss you Mike, may you rest in peace, may you explore every inch of Heaven, and I will see you when I get there, can’t wait to see you when I get there. God Bless
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Who me? Excuse me??
I suppose before I jump into the little story I've been meaning to share, I should fill in a few blank spots.
I got a new job. Yep. I am now serving at a local Swiss Chalet, and I actually really like it. I have been there for about a month and a half and it is unquestionable I am still the new girl, the rookie on the floor, but I really do like it. It is surprisingly good money, the food is priced well, and I feel like the customers are politer- not in the fact that it isn't truck drivers anymore, but the local customers- we got those at the Flying J too, but somehow they seem friendlier and more patient here. I quite like it. Hope it continues to go as well as it has, I can only improve and lets be honest, a server who feels more comfortable is a better server and a better server makes more money, so I look forward to learning!
I got accepted into Macewan's Social Work program!!!!! For most of you, you know that, but I really feel like I should share that anyways. Its conditional, but the conditions are simply based on my Crimanal record check and my security something check. Both of which have a 6 month expiry so ppl from within the program actually told me to wait before sending those in, do it within 6 months and I can use the same checks for my field placement. I am so ridiculously stoked about it that I can't even begin to explain it! It is a career thing and it makes me feel like an adult more so than ever before, but its ok, I'm psyched, it is going to be awesome!
I bought a car. The car I have been driving for the last 3 1/2 years developed a little knock in the engine that turned into not such a little thing. Replacing it with just a used engine would have cost almost 2000 and that just doesn't make sense- esp since there are no promises on a used engine, so I went out and bought a brand spanking new 2009 Chevy Cobalt LT. It is currently on the train headed here, and I can not wait to get it! I am financing it, but definitely plan on paying it off sooner than the conctract says.
And finally, a couple weeks ago, my Uncle 'upgraded' as the pastor at the funeral said. He has moved on to a better place. It is sad and hard to say goodbye, but at least I know he isn't in pain. My prayers continue to be with his family as their loss is a great one.
On to my adventure?
So last Saturday, after I get back from the airport, I get dropped off at home (borrowed moms car for a while, and Shellys for a bit, not sure what I am going to do the next couple weeks just yet...) and get ready for work. I was closing the restaurant, but hey, we close at 10 so no big deal right? The last table sat forever, and it was my first close, so around 11 I finally get out of there and am headed to Leigha's to watch a movie and spend the night. On the drive, I figure, hey, pick up a bottle of wine to share/drink, and do so. Didn't even cross my mind that Leigha isn't a big wine fan and she might not have a cork screw...
So I get to her house and we start riffling through the drawers, and, naturally, the corkscrew she thought she had, belonged to a previous roommate. Now what? So we text a friend who manages a bar, asking him, how do you open wine without a cork screw? He gives a suggestion, and it didnt work. So we hack at it for a while and nothing. Finally we give up and determine if we leave quickly, we might make it to a liquor store by midnight to buy one. So we jump into the car and head to the nearest store. It closed at 11. But there is one across the street, so we go there. It cloeses at 12, but we pulled up at about 12:02. Yep, that close. But there has to be one that is open late? I mean, we are in Castledowns area, surely there is an open liquor store at midnight on a Saturday night. On the way to the next one, we stop at a Shoppers. Nope, closed at midnight, and even though it is now just 12:05 and someone is in line to pay for their items, we can't get in. Well after another 1/2 dozen tries, we stumble upon an open grocery store. To get in, I have to knock on the door, the cashier unlocks the door, lets me in, and then shuts it behind me, relocking it. Sure makes you feel safe in that part of town huh? But, nope, the mom and pop grocery store does not have any corkscrews. Pop into a 7-11, ask the cashier, she tells me no, so we move on. Finally, after probably close to a dozen stops/drives by various liquor stores and the like, we are headed back towards her place. On the way we pass a Macs and figure, what the heck right?
This is where it gets more interesting.
I'm wearing my charcol black dress jacket and a black scarf- a fashion scarf, not a cover your face to keep warm scarf. So I walk into the Macs and there is this guy, Middle Eastern I think, behind the counter on his Cell. He hangs up right away, and looks at me funny. This is how the exchange went: (L-Laura, E-Employee)
L- "Do you sell Corkscrews?" Said as I am laughing about something Leigha said as I walk into the store and up to the counter.
E- "I don't have access to the safe. I can't help you" He is looking at me like I am nuts.
L- "Excuse me? No, I want a cork screw, you know, used to open wine?" Thinking to myself, access to the safe, what the heck?
E- "My manager isn't here, I can't get into the safe" He is looking at me sorta wide eyed and almost looking slightly alarmed at this point. I am seriously thinking to myself, this guy is crazy! I park right in front, get out laughing, walk in when another customer had been there, and ask for a corkscrew and he seriously seems to think I am going to Rob him.
L- "No, look. (said ridiculously slowly) I want a cork screw. You know, a cork screw, to open a bottle of wine? You turn it into the cork and then pull it out?"
E- "No." To which I roll my eyes, determine I should look myself, walk up to a shelf, pull off a 3$ corkscrew, and walk back up to the counter, putting it down, perhaps a little forcefully,
L- "Just the corkscrew thanks, that'll be all" Possibly said with some sarcasm. So I pay for it and walk out.
Needless to say, it was an amusing way to spend 40 minutes, most work I've ever done for a bottle of wine, but it was fun and turned into a great story.
Oh ya. My second favorite part? The Macs store we ended up buying the cork screw from?
It shared a parking lot with the first liquor store...
I got a new job. Yep. I am now serving at a local Swiss Chalet, and I actually really like it. I have been there for about a month and a half and it is unquestionable I am still the new girl, the rookie on the floor, but I really do like it. It is surprisingly good money, the food is priced well, and I feel like the customers are politer- not in the fact that it isn't truck drivers anymore, but the local customers- we got those at the Flying J too, but somehow they seem friendlier and more patient here. I quite like it. Hope it continues to go as well as it has, I can only improve and lets be honest, a server who feels more comfortable is a better server and a better server makes more money, so I look forward to learning!
I got accepted into Macewan's Social Work program!!!!! For most of you, you know that, but I really feel like I should share that anyways. Its conditional, but the conditions are simply based on my Crimanal record check and my security something check. Both of which have a 6 month expiry so ppl from within the program actually told me to wait before sending those in, do it within 6 months and I can use the same checks for my field placement. I am so ridiculously stoked about it that I can't even begin to explain it! It is a career thing and it makes me feel like an adult more so than ever before, but its ok, I'm psyched, it is going to be awesome!
I bought a car. The car I have been driving for the last 3 1/2 years developed a little knock in the engine that turned into not such a little thing. Replacing it with just a used engine would have cost almost 2000 and that just doesn't make sense- esp since there are no promises on a used engine, so I went out and bought a brand spanking new 2009 Chevy Cobalt LT. It is currently on the train headed here, and I can not wait to get it! I am financing it, but definitely plan on paying it off sooner than the conctract says.
And finally, a couple weeks ago, my Uncle 'upgraded' as the pastor at the funeral said. He has moved on to a better place. It is sad and hard to say goodbye, but at least I know he isn't in pain. My prayers continue to be with his family as their loss is a great one.
On to my adventure?
So last Saturday, after I get back from the airport, I get dropped off at home (borrowed moms car for a while, and Shellys for a bit, not sure what I am going to do the next couple weeks just yet...) and get ready for work. I was closing the restaurant, but hey, we close at 10 so no big deal right? The last table sat forever, and it was my first close, so around 11 I finally get out of there and am headed to Leigha's to watch a movie and spend the night. On the drive, I figure, hey, pick up a bottle of wine to share/drink, and do so. Didn't even cross my mind that Leigha isn't a big wine fan and she might not have a cork screw...
So I get to her house and we start riffling through the drawers, and, naturally, the corkscrew she thought she had, belonged to a previous roommate. Now what? So we text a friend who manages a bar, asking him, how do you open wine without a cork screw? He gives a suggestion, and it didnt work. So we hack at it for a while and nothing. Finally we give up and determine if we leave quickly, we might make it to a liquor store by midnight to buy one. So we jump into the car and head to the nearest store. It closed at 11. But there is one across the street, so we go there. It cloeses at 12, but we pulled up at about 12:02. Yep, that close. But there has to be one that is open late? I mean, we are in Castledowns area, surely there is an open liquor store at midnight on a Saturday night. On the way to the next one, we stop at a Shoppers. Nope, closed at midnight, and even though it is now just 12:05 and someone is in line to pay for their items, we can't get in. Well after another 1/2 dozen tries, we stumble upon an open grocery store. To get in, I have to knock on the door, the cashier unlocks the door, lets me in, and then shuts it behind me, relocking it. Sure makes you feel safe in that part of town huh? But, nope, the mom and pop grocery store does not have any corkscrews. Pop into a 7-11, ask the cashier, she tells me no, so we move on. Finally, after probably close to a dozen stops/drives by various liquor stores and the like, we are headed back towards her place. On the way we pass a Macs and figure, what the heck right?
This is where it gets more interesting.
I'm wearing my charcol black dress jacket and a black scarf- a fashion scarf, not a cover your face to keep warm scarf. So I walk into the Macs and there is this guy, Middle Eastern I think, behind the counter on his Cell. He hangs up right away, and looks at me funny. This is how the exchange went: (L-Laura, E-Employee)
L- "Do you sell Corkscrews?" Said as I am laughing about something Leigha said as I walk into the store and up to the counter.
E- "I don't have access to the safe. I can't help you" He is looking at me like I am nuts.
L- "Excuse me? No, I want a cork screw, you know, used to open wine?" Thinking to myself, access to the safe, what the heck?
E- "My manager isn't here, I can't get into the safe" He is looking at me sorta wide eyed and almost looking slightly alarmed at this point. I am seriously thinking to myself, this guy is crazy! I park right in front, get out laughing, walk in when another customer had been there, and ask for a corkscrew and he seriously seems to think I am going to Rob him.
L- "No, look. (said ridiculously slowly) I want a cork screw. You know, a cork screw, to open a bottle of wine? You turn it into the cork and then pull it out?"
E- "No." To which I roll my eyes, determine I should look myself, walk up to a shelf, pull off a 3$ corkscrew, and walk back up to the counter, putting it down, perhaps a little forcefully,
L- "Just the corkscrew thanks, that'll be all" Possibly said with some sarcasm. So I pay for it and walk out.
Needless to say, it was an amusing way to spend 40 minutes, most work I've ever done for a bottle of wine, but it was fun and turned into a great story.
Oh ya. My second favorite part? The Macs store we ended up buying the cork screw from?
It shared a parking lot with the first liquor store...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Prayer Question
Those of you on my facebook already know this, but my uncle is sick. He was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer and it has already spread to his liver so medically speaking there is not much that can be done other than make him comfortable. It the other healing power that has me a little confused.
The natural instinct upon hearing this is to pray for healing. For the miracle that only God can perform, for the instant and medically inexplicable healing that Bible readers and other faithful know He is capable of.
The other option is to pray for peace. For calmness. For understanding. For acceptance. For strength. And all of those are to deal with the worst. With the impending passing.
Ok. So I know technically that you can pray for both, there is nothing wrong with it, but I am confused as to what is 'right'. I mean, I've always thought that we are supposed to accept God's will, that we are called to willingly accept His plan for us. But at the same time, there is alot out there about the power of prayer and how He will sometimes leave His intended course for another path, perhaps in the sense of healing someone.
So what is 'proper' to pray for? Healing or peace? I feel like I am contradicting myself asking both, but will continue to do so. Just feels like a conundrum.
My prayers and thoughts and love are with my uncle and his family. If you have a few to spare, I'd appreciate if you'd send some in his honor as well. Thanks.
The natural instinct upon hearing this is to pray for healing. For the miracle that only God can perform, for the instant and medically inexplicable healing that Bible readers and other faithful know He is capable of.
The other option is to pray for peace. For calmness. For understanding. For acceptance. For strength. And all of those are to deal with the worst. With the impending passing.
Ok. So I know technically that you can pray for both, there is nothing wrong with it, but I am confused as to what is 'right'. I mean, I've always thought that we are supposed to accept God's will, that we are called to willingly accept His plan for us. But at the same time, there is alot out there about the power of prayer and how He will sometimes leave His intended course for another path, perhaps in the sense of healing someone.
So what is 'proper' to pray for? Healing or peace? I feel like I am contradicting myself asking both, but will continue to do so. Just feels like a conundrum.
My prayers and thoughts and love are with my uncle and his family. If you have a few to spare, I'd appreciate if you'd send some in his honor as well. Thanks.
Friday, February 06, 2009
A God Thing
So I realize that the title alone might be a struggle for some people. But sometimes, it really is that simple, that there are moments, events, days, that are God moments, more so than usual of course.. But anyways.
Breakforth 2009 was a God thing. Literally, by the end of the weekend, I feel as if I had seen Him everywhere and had spoken with Him on multiple occasions. Huh? Let me explain.
Breakforth is a large annual conference held in Edmonton. It focus's on many areas both within and outside of the church, worship, leadership, working with kids, poverty, and on and on. This year, more than 7000 ppl attended and were fortunate to have not only great breakout sessions, but some amazing speakers in the main sessions as well. Not to mention some unbelievable worship! (Michael W Smith, Brian Doerksen, Paul Baloche, Rita Baloche, Mercy Me, Brenton Brown, just to name a few). If you are curious, check out their website http://www.new-creation.net/ .
Anyways, so one of the speakers early in the conference really hit home with me. He was talking about how prayer shouldn't be a speech at God. It shouldn't be all about us talking to Him and Him simply listening and then filling our requests. No, it should be so much more. He explained that it should be a conversation. Huh? A conversation? With God? Ya, I thought it was pretty out there too, but wow have I learnt better!
This speaker (sorry, I can't recal what one it was, perhaps John Eldridge?) explained how the best way to converse with God is to completely empty your mind, don't think about the phone call you made to your sister last night, or that bill you have to mail tomorrow, just empty your mind and focus on God. Then comes the hard part, listen. Sure you can still pray, say your piece, get it all out there, but when you are done, sit and wait to see if He has anything to say back. Or ask Him a question, something simple, like 'what do you want to say to me'. That was His example, and it seems that alot of the time, he simply hears God responding with 'I Love You'. The speaker went on to say that part of being a Christian is having heard God's voice, so naturally the rest of the weekend would be filled with moments of listening.
I will freely admit, at first, I thought he was nuts. I mean, you can't hear God. But why not? He has done alot of pretty amazing things, talking to someone is cakewalk. But I gave it a try, needlessly it seemed.
Then something changed. And this is hard for me to share on here, but I really feel like I need to get it all out there. On Saturday night, I was at the Brenton Brown concert with a couple friends. We managed to find a sweet spot to stand, in an open area so we could dance or move or whatever while worshipping. Well at one point, during a song, I was standing there, praying away, when I had this urge to kneel. Let me tell you, I have never in my life kneeled while praying before, not even as a kid, so I couldn't figure out where the urge had come from so I ignored it. But it didn't go away. By the end of the song my need to kneel was so huge that I had no choice, I knelt. It wasn't until I was on my knees that I realized, God had just spoken to me, quite clearly. It was pretty neat. But there is more.
So I'm kneeling there, in the middle of the concert, singing and praying and just having an amazing worship experience, when I figure, well, since He started it, lets see if He will speak to me again. So I prayed just what the speaker suggested, I asked God what He had to tell me. It was pretty quick that the answer popped into my mind, 'I love you' but I wasn't convinced it was His voice, and not just myself hoping thats what He had to say. So I did something that I am not sure you are supposed to do, I tested God. I told Him, 'Ok God, if that was you, I want to see some proof. I want a hug, then I will know it was you and not just me wishfully thinking of what I wanted to hear'.
Perhaps that seems like an odd thing to ask for, but there is a little behind the scenes story to that. There is this Sunday evening youth service that I love to go to. Its at a Pentecostal church, and although I don't think it has a denomination, it has really taught me alot about worshipping to God and how He is the focus, ignore what is going on around you. There was a time last fall that while worshipping at this church, I was praying and I felt a breeze. My first thought was unexplicable- it felt like God was telling me He was with me, but I instantly dismissed that, opened my eyes and looked at the doors behind me. They were closed. Not closing, but closed. They hadn't been opened. Weird. So I went back to praying and pretty quickly after that, I felt like I was being hugged, but there wasn't a person hugging me, and I realized that I had got a hug from God.
So now here I am, at Breakforth, months later, and looking for confirmation, I test God by asking for a hug. While I felt something around me, it was nothing like the last time, but I accepted it and went back to worship. Well a short while later, one of my friends gets a phone call and goes running out, with no explaination. After being gone for a bit, he comes back, along with one of my good friends who has moved to Calgary. I didn't know he was in town, but he had just heard that I was there, so he comes running in and hugs me. Yep. A good friend of mine, someone I had no idea was around, within like 15 mins of my asking God for a hug, comes running in an gives me a massive hug. It was pretty cool.
One more thing. Some of you might know that I have applied for social work in the fall. Not sure that I will get in, but it feels great to know I have applied. But it has kinda been a wonder for me if it was something I am doing because I want to do it, or because it is where God wants me to be. So naturally, the last couple months I have often asked Him if I was pointed on the right path. With this whole, listening to God thing, I thought, Huh... Now is as good of a time as any. Well, throughout the weekend, there were 5 breakout session times. 4 of the sessions I attended were based on worship, but the 5th was different. It was titled silence the roar and from my understanding it was about fighting poverty in our world. So I went to it, no idea what was going to happen. Well, the speaker, Tom Davis, gets up front and tells us that he is the President of an organization called Children's Hope Chest (www.hopechest.org). An organization that works with orphanages throughout the world. Yep. International Orphanage work. Sound like something that just might interest me? So afterwards, my cousin and I go up to him to ask what sorta education suits working in the field with them. His response? 'Child psychologists and social workers are definitely good ones' and I thought, huh. Guess I am pointed in the right direction.
That wasn't the end of it. That evening at the Michael W Smith concert/worship was another powerful God moment, something that showed He was listening and responding to my prayers, but I wont bother you with the details. Needless to say, it truly was an unbelievable weekend, one that God was present at, and one that has definitely shown me that God wants to talk to us, He just needs us to listen, even if sometimes all He wants to say is "I Love You"
God Bless
Breakforth 2009 was a God thing. Literally, by the end of the weekend, I feel as if I had seen Him everywhere and had spoken with Him on multiple occasions. Huh? Let me explain.
Breakforth is a large annual conference held in Edmonton. It focus's on many areas both within and outside of the church, worship, leadership, working with kids, poverty, and on and on. This year, more than 7000 ppl attended and were fortunate to have not only great breakout sessions, but some amazing speakers in the main sessions as well. Not to mention some unbelievable worship! (Michael W Smith, Brian Doerksen, Paul Baloche, Rita Baloche, Mercy Me, Brenton Brown, just to name a few). If you are curious, check out their website http://www.new-creation.net/ .
Anyways, so one of the speakers early in the conference really hit home with me. He was talking about how prayer shouldn't be a speech at God. It shouldn't be all about us talking to Him and Him simply listening and then filling our requests. No, it should be so much more. He explained that it should be a conversation. Huh? A conversation? With God? Ya, I thought it was pretty out there too, but wow have I learnt better!
This speaker (sorry, I can't recal what one it was, perhaps John Eldridge?) explained how the best way to converse with God is to completely empty your mind, don't think about the phone call you made to your sister last night, or that bill you have to mail tomorrow, just empty your mind and focus on God. Then comes the hard part, listen. Sure you can still pray, say your piece, get it all out there, but when you are done, sit and wait to see if He has anything to say back. Or ask Him a question, something simple, like 'what do you want to say to me'. That was His example, and it seems that alot of the time, he simply hears God responding with 'I Love You'. The speaker went on to say that part of being a Christian is having heard God's voice, so naturally the rest of the weekend would be filled with moments of listening.
I will freely admit, at first, I thought he was nuts. I mean, you can't hear God. But why not? He has done alot of pretty amazing things, talking to someone is cakewalk. But I gave it a try, needlessly it seemed.
Then something changed. And this is hard for me to share on here, but I really feel like I need to get it all out there. On Saturday night, I was at the Brenton Brown concert with a couple friends. We managed to find a sweet spot to stand, in an open area so we could dance or move or whatever while worshipping. Well at one point, during a song, I was standing there, praying away, when I had this urge to kneel. Let me tell you, I have never in my life kneeled while praying before, not even as a kid, so I couldn't figure out where the urge had come from so I ignored it. But it didn't go away. By the end of the song my need to kneel was so huge that I had no choice, I knelt. It wasn't until I was on my knees that I realized, God had just spoken to me, quite clearly. It was pretty neat. But there is more.
So I'm kneeling there, in the middle of the concert, singing and praying and just having an amazing worship experience, when I figure, well, since He started it, lets see if He will speak to me again. So I prayed just what the speaker suggested, I asked God what He had to tell me. It was pretty quick that the answer popped into my mind, 'I love you' but I wasn't convinced it was His voice, and not just myself hoping thats what He had to say. So I did something that I am not sure you are supposed to do, I tested God. I told Him, 'Ok God, if that was you, I want to see some proof. I want a hug, then I will know it was you and not just me wishfully thinking of what I wanted to hear'.
Perhaps that seems like an odd thing to ask for, but there is a little behind the scenes story to that. There is this Sunday evening youth service that I love to go to. Its at a Pentecostal church, and although I don't think it has a denomination, it has really taught me alot about worshipping to God and how He is the focus, ignore what is going on around you. There was a time last fall that while worshipping at this church, I was praying and I felt a breeze. My first thought was unexplicable- it felt like God was telling me He was with me, but I instantly dismissed that, opened my eyes and looked at the doors behind me. They were closed. Not closing, but closed. They hadn't been opened. Weird. So I went back to praying and pretty quickly after that, I felt like I was being hugged, but there wasn't a person hugging me, and I realized that I had got a hug from God.
So now here I am, at Breakforth, months later, and looking for confirmation, I test God by asking for a hug. While I felt something around me, it was nothing like the last time, but I accepted it and went back to worship. Well a short while later, one of my friends gets a phone call and goes running out, with no explaination. After being gone for a bit, he comes back, along with one of my good friends who has moved to Calgary. I didn't know he was in town, but he had just heard that I was there, so he comes running in and hugs me. Yep. A good friend of mine, someone I had no idea was around, within like 15 mins of my asking God for a hug, comes running in an gives me a massive hug. It was pretty cool.
One more thing. Some of you might know that I have applied for social work in the fall. Not sure that I will get in, but it feels great to know I have applied. But it has kinda been a wonder for me if it was something I am doing because I want to do it, or because it is where God wants me to be. So naturally, the last couple months I have often asked Him if I was pointed on the right path. With this whole, listening to God thing, I thought, Huh... Now is as good of a time as any. Well, throughout the weekend, there were 5 breakout session times. 4 of the sessions I attended were based on worship, but the 5th was different. It was titled silence the roar and from my understanding it was about fighting poverty in our world. So I went to it, no idea what was going to happen. Well, the speaker, Tom Davis, gets up front and tells us that he is the President of an organization called Children's Hope Chest (www.hopechest.org). An organization that works with orphanages throughout the world. Yep. International Orphanage work. Sound like something that just might interest me? So afterwards, my cousin and I go up to him to ask what sorta education suits working in the field with them. His response? 'Child psychologists and social workers are definitely good ones' and I thought, huh. Guess I am pointed in the right direction.
That wasn't the end of it. That evening at the Michael W Smith concert/worship was another powerful God moment, something that showed He was listening and responding to my prayers, but I wont bother you with the details. Needless to say, it truly was an unbelievable weekend, one that God was present at, and one that has definitely shown me that God wants to talk to us, He just needs us to listen, even if sometimes all He wants to say is "I Love You"
God Bless
Monday, February 02, 2009
Coffee Shop Conversations (yeah, I listened in)
I had a couple of really interesting experiences last week. On two occasions, I spent a few hours at a local Second Cup, working on various papers. I discovered that it is a really good place to work because there are outlets, they don't mind if you sit for a while, and I don't have any wireless connection, so no distractions. Needless to say, its a productive process so far and I intend to utilize it more often this semester. Anyways...
So Tuesday, I am sitting in the Second Cup, completely focused on my personal essay, answering questions in essay form as part of my Social Work packet (did I mention that I applied?) and when I look up. On the otherside of the store (restaurant? coffee shop?) there is a table with two men sitting at it. One is looks to be in his late 50's early 60's and the other in his mid to late 20's. No big deal right? But what grabbed at me, what really caught my attention, is that they were praying together. And not just a quick, hey, bless my coffee, amen, but an full out prayer. I don't know how long they had been praying before I looked up. But I sat and watched for almost 5 mins before they lifted their heads, unfolded their hands, cleared their table, and left. I was moved. For some reason it just really touched a chord in me.
Then on Friday. I am back at the same Second Cup (I highly recommend the White Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream), sitting at a different spot. Working on a 1 1/2 page reflection question answer, and a 5-6 page book report on Sidney Crosby (for my Sport Sociology class). When I sat down, there were these three little ladies sitting at the table next to me. I didn't intend to eavsedrop, it just sort of happened, but these three ladies, who had be to late 60's at the youngest, were talking about the recent engagement of, one of them! It was so sweet to sit there and listen to a woman who had to be around 70 years old, talk with such excitement about her engagement. At one point, while she was in the bathroom, her companions sat and discussed how excited they were for her, how she deserved it, after being widowed so long, how her kids are grown up, and she is such a sweet woman. They figured the wedding would be packed because everyone from the lady's church would want to go because she was so well loved. And I honestly sat there, for the second time in a week, completely moved by something going on in a world that I have no part in.
I intend to write a blog about BREAKFORTH, the conference I went to this weekend, but my thoughts aren't quite organized on it yet. A part of me wonders if these two little events were somewhat a gift from God, having me take the time to sit back and appreciate the little things in life, to move my mind, heart, and soul and reach me by demonstrating His love for people, and people's devotion to Him. But I suppose I shall get into that later...
Have a great day! An amazing week! I'll try write about Breakforth soon =)
So Tuesday, I am sitting in the Second Cup, completely focused on my personal essay, answering questions in essay form as part of my Social Work packet (did I mention that I applied?) and when I look up. On the otherside of the store (restaurant? coffee shop?) there is a table with two men sitting at it. One is looks to be in his late 50's early 60's and the other in his mid to late 20's. No big deal right? But what grabbed at me, what really caught my attention, is that they were praying together. And not just a quick, hey, bless my coffee, amen, but an full out prayer. I don't know how long they had been praying before I looked up. But I sat and watched for almost 5 mins before they lifted their heads, unfolded their hands, cleared their table, and left. I was moved. For some reason it just really touched a chord in me.
Then on Friday. I am back at the same Second Cup (I highly recommend the White Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream), sitting at a different spot. Working on a 1 1/2 page reflection question answer, and a 5-6 page book report on Sidney Crosby (for my Sport Sociology class). When I sat down, there were these three little ladies sitting at the table next to me. I didn't intend to eavsedrop, it just sort of happened, but these three ladies, who had be to late 60's at the youngest, were talking about the recent engagement of, one of them! It was so sweet to sit there and listen to a woman who had to be around 70 years old, talk with such excitement about her engagement. At one point, while she was in the bathroom, her companions sat and discussed how excited they were for her, how she deserved it, after being widowed so long, how her kids are grown up, and she is such a sweet woman. They figured the wedding would be packed because everyone from the lady's church would want to go because she was so well loved. And I honestly sat there, for the second time in a week, completely moved by something going on in a world that I have no part in.
I intend to write a blog about BREAKFORTH, the conference I went to this weekend, but my thoughts aren't quite organized on it yet. A part of me wonders if these two little events were somewhat a gift from God, having me take the time to sit back and appreciate the little things in life, to move my mind, heart, and soul and reach me by demonstrating His love for people, and people's devotion to Him. But I suppose I shall get into that later...
Have a great day! An amazing week! I'll try write about Breakforth soon =)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Half a Nugget
So I have to tell you this cause I am still shaking my head over it.
I went dancing with some friends last night, had planned to leave early, but you know how that always ends up. It was awesome- line dancing at Cook, DJ Suco at Suite, out with a couple girl friends and none of us are drinking, doesn't get much better if you ask me. So End of the night comes around, DJ is just playing the last song, I'm leaving, and a friend asks for a ride home. No biggie, in the car(which took forever to warm up) he asks if I mind stopping for food.
First Macdonalds is closed, but when we get to Sherwood Park the one on Wye is open, so we go to the drive through. At this point Its like 245, I had wanted to be home on time, but whatever. We sit there waiting for the car in front of us to order. And it is taking forever! At first I figured, midnight shift, short staffed, maybe they only put through so many people, but 5 mins? Are you serious? So finally I roll down my window to listen and see if they are ordering or not.
They were trying to order, are you ready for this? The tone of their voices tells me this has been going on for a while, and I am in disbelief. Cause I'm not even kidding, this is what I heard
Drive Thru lady-"So you want pack of chicken nuggest" (and she had some accent, Oriental I think")
Chick in the Car-"No. I just want to know how much is costs for HALF OF ONE NUGGET"
DTL- "So Nuggets, anything else for you"
CiC- "No, why aren't you listening, I don't want a pack of nuggets, I want to know how much it costs to get HALF OF ONE NUGGET"
What am I supposed to do? I'm hungry, and tired, and I have still got to drive home, so I tap my horn, meaning, come on already, lets go. The driver? Sticks her head out the window, looks back at me and flips me the bird. She sat there for more than 5 mins trying to order HALF OF ONE CHICKEN NUGGET while there were people behind her waiting, while the lady on the other end had work to, and lets be honest, those things don't pick up voices at the best of times(the drive through order thingys) and she gets annoyed at ME for getting impatient! Are you kidding me?
So... How much do you think half of one chicken nugget would cost?
I went dancing with some friends last night, had planned to leave early, but you know how that always ends up. It was awesome- line dancing at Cook, DJ Suco at Suite, out with a couple girl friends and none of us are drinking, doesn't get much better if you ask me. So End of the night comes around, DJ is just playing the last song, I'm leaving, and a friend asks for a ride home. No biggie, in the car(which took forever to warm up) he asks if I mind stopping for food.
First Macdonalds is closed, but when we get to Sherwood Park the one on Wye is open, so we go to the drive through. At this point Its like 245, I had wanted to be home on time, but whatever. We sit there waiting for the car in front of us to order. And it is taking forever! At first I figured, midnight shift, short staffed, maybe they only put through so many people, but 5 mins? Are you serious? So finally I roll down my window to listen and see if they are ordering or not.
They were trying to order, are you ready for this? The tone of their voices tells me this has been going on for a while, and I am in disbelief. Cause I'm not even kidding, this is what I heard
Drive Thru lady-"So you want pack of chicken nuggest" (and she had some accent, Oriental I think")
Chick in the Car-"No. I just want to know how much is costs for HALF OF ONE NUGGET"
DTL- "So Nuggets, anything else for you"
CiC- "No, why aren't you listening, I don't want a pack of nuggets, I want to know how much it costs to get HALF OF ONE NUGGET"
What am I supposed to do? I'm hungry, and tired, and I have still got to drive home, so I tap my horn, meaning, come on already, lets go. The driver? Sticks her head out the window, looks back at me and flips me the bird. She sat there for more than 5 mins trying to order HALF OF ONE CHICKEN NUGGET while there were people behind her waiting, while the lady on the other end had work to, and lets be honest, those things don't pick up voices at the best of times(the drive through order thingys) and she gets annoyed at ME for getting impatient! Are you kidding me?
So... How much do you think half of one chicken nugget would cost?
Monday, December 08, 2008
Funny How It Is
I kinda think its funny.
Huh? Say what?
Ok, you're right. That doesn't make sense. I kinda think life is funny.
A little clearer, but still not crystal?
I kinda think life is funny how it never actully gets figured out.
Explain?
I'll try...
I have sweet news. I think I know what I want to do with my life! Yay! I have seriously been waiting for this moment for like- I don't know, has to be almost a decade. But yep, I have figured it out and shall now be set for life.
Cept not. Does it ever work that way? It can never be so simple.
Not making sense.
Let me explain better...
I am going to go into Social Work. There. I said it. Now I can't change my mind- or if I do I have to explain it better. I finally realized that social work is the perfect fit for me. No I am not sure what area I want to get into, and to be honest, am not sure when I want to start, but I am going to do it, and sooner rather than later(I used to figure that I'd go into it after I had kids that were in school and all of that).
Why Social work?
Well. I love people. I love kids. I love to help people. I love being able to see someone smile, especially if it is a smile I had a part in creating. I love trying to set things right. I love listening and trying to help people with their problems. Some of the most amazing experiences in my life have included Haiti, The Dream Center, the kids in Mexico, and knowing that things I said or did have made a positive impact on someones life. So I suddenly realized it made sense and there really isn't a reason to put it off another 20 years. I want to do it, so I am going into social work.
Thats it. That is the realization I have been waiting for.
But its not it.
Why not?
Cause now there are other questions.
Like???
Like right now. I am just finishing a semester of three courses aimed at a Sociology Degree. Am planning (but not certain) that next semester will be two courses (while working for sure one, maybe 2 PT jobs) and so by the end of April, I will be complete a year and a half of a 3 year BA in Sociology. Now I am sure at that some people might be sitting there and thinking- when did she start again? Yes. I started in Sept of 05, so in theory I could be finished a 4 year degree at the end of April, or if I had gone right after high school, I'd of been in the work force for 8 months already... But that isn't me, and I'm not sorry. I've loved my chance at Missions and travelling, I've enjoyed my work with the J and learnt alot with all of it.
So why is 1 1/2 years of a degree a problem?
Cause its half way. I feel like if I am going to get it done that far, I might as well finish it. I sorta want to if I really think about it. Have an actual degree with my name on it. So the question becomes when? Do I keep going with the Soci degree, probably taking another 2- 2 1/2 years to finish it, or do I leave it be at the end of April, go into Social Work for two years, and then pick it up again after? Now the question isn't what do I want to do, it is, the sociology degree- before or after the Social Work Diploma? Ahh, conundrums in life...
So is that it?
No. Is it ever?
What else?
Its dumb, its that other part of me. The part of me that looks at what I just wrote and thinks- if you are going to do another 3 1/2 years worth of schooling (and probably take more than that to do it), when the heck are you going to travel some more? How are you going to afford it? When are you going to do something with your life other than being a student? Nothing against being a student, but it drives me nuts, there is no freedom, no choice, its so structured, there are so many rules, everything has to fit into someone else's schedule and it just gets in the way of having a life. There is always reading, or studying, or a paper to write, or research to do, or well you get the picture. So when am I going to travel, or make money to live, or move out, or save up, or eventually even grow up. Being a student makes me feel like a kid. Sure it is university, but people assume you don't know about the world when you are a student and truth is, I don't really know about the world right now so its legit.
And thats just the tip of it. What about the rest of life? Sure, I feel like I have figured out what I want to do, but where? And when? What about other parts of my life that just don't feel complete either? Can't I just figure those things out? How do I do it? God and love and faith and friends and family and the man out there somewhere that God intends me to find... there are so many other questions that I can't believe when I finally answer one I've been asking for years, its like my mind doesn't even take the time to celebrate, nope, its already moved on to stressing about other things (besides the 2 finals and the paper that I have barely started all happening later this week).
Not going to lie to you. Being 22 is nothing like I ever thought it would be like. Best times of my life? When I find them, I'll let you know. Cause it sure doesn't seem to be now.
Huh? Say what?
Ok, you're right. That doesn't make sense. I kinda think life is funny.
A little clearer, but still not crystal?
I kinda think life is funny how it never actully gets figured out.
Explain?
I'll try...
I have sweet news. I think I know what I want to do with my life! Yay! I have seriously been waiting for this moment for like- I don't know, has to be almost a decade. But yep, I have figured it out and shall now be set for life.
Cept not. Does it ever work that way? It can never be so simple.
Not making sense.
Let me explain better...
I am going to go into Social Work. There. I said it. Now I can't change my mind- or if I do I have to explain it better. I finally realized that social work is the perfect fit for me. No I am not sure what area I want to get into, and to be honest, am not sure when I want to start, but I am going to do it, and sooner rather than later(I used to figure that I'd go into it after I had kids that were in school and all of that).
Why Social work?
Well. I love people. I love kids. I love to help people. I love being able to see someone smile, especially if it is a smile I had a part in creating. I love trying to set things right. I love listening and trying to help people with their problems. Some of the most amazing experiences in my life have included Haiti, The Dream Center, the kids in Mexico, and knowing that things I said or did have made a positive impact on someones life. So I suddenly realized it made sense and there really isn't a reason to put it off another 20 years. I want to do it, so I am going into social work.
Thats it. That is the realization I have been waiting for.
But its not it.
Why not?
Cause now there are other questions.
Like???
Like right now. I am just finishing a semester of three courses aimed at a Sociology Degree. Am planning (but not certain) that next semester will be two courses (while working for sure one, maybe 2 PT jobs) and so by the end of April, I will be complete a year and a half of a 3 year BA in Sociology. Now I am sure at that some people might be sitting there and thinking- when did she start again? Yes. I started in Sept of 05, so in theory I could be finished a 4 year degree at the end of April, or if I had gone right after high school, I'd of been in the work force for 8 months already... But that isn't me, and I'm not sorry. I've loved my chance at Missions and travelling, I've enjoyed my work with the J and learnt alot with all of it.
So why is 1 1/2 years of a degree a problem?
Cause its half way. I feel like if I am going to get it done that far, I might as well finish it. I sorta want to if I really think about it. Have an actual degree with my name on it. So the question becomes when? Do I keep going with the Soci degree, probably taking another 2- 2 1/2 years to finish it, or do I leave it be at the end of April, go into Social Work for two years, and then pick it up again after? Now the question isn't what do I want to do, it is, the sociology degree- before or after the Social Work Diploma? Ahh, conundrums in life...
So is that it?
No. Is it ever?
What else?
Its dumb, its that other part of me. The part of me that looks at what I just wrote and thinks- if you are going to do another 3 1/2 years worth of schooling (and probably take more than that to do it), when the heck are you going to travel some more? How are you going to afford it? When are you going to do something with your life other than being a student? Nothing against being a student, but it drives me nuts, there is no freedom, no choice, its so structured, there are so many rules, everything has to fit into someone else's schedule and it just gets in the way of having a life. There is always reading, or studying, or a paper to write, or research to do, or well you get the picture. So when am I going to travel, or make money to live, or move out, or save up, or eventually even grow up. Being a student makes me feel like a kid. Sure it is university, but people assume you don't know about the world when you are a student and truth is, I don't really know about the world right now so its legit.
And thats just the tip of it. What about the rest of life? Sure, I feel like I have figured out what I want to do, but where? And when? What about other parts of my life that just don't feel complete either? Can't I just figure those things out? How do I do it? God and love and faith and friends and family and the man out there somewhere that God intends me to find... there are so many other questions that I can't believe when I finally answer one I've been asking for years, its like my mind doesn't even take the time to celebrate, nope, its already moved on to stressing about other things (besides the 2 finals and the paper that I have barely started all happening later this week).
Not going to lie to you. Being 22 is nothing like I ever thought it would be like. Best times of my life? When I find them, I'll let you know. Cause it sure doesn't seem to be now.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
The Voice
First, I want to warn you, this is a rant of sorts.
I am a student, most of you know that by now I believe, and am attending a liberal arts college. I am enrolled in three classes, for each class there is 3 hours of class time a week, split one of two ways. It is either held Monday, Wednesday, Friday(MWF) using 50 minute sessions, or it is held Tuesday, Thursday(TR) in 80 minute sessions. I've one class on MWF at nine, then Wednesdays I've a 2 hour lab for that class at 3. TR I have two classes, at 8am and at 1230pm. Two Tuesdays a month I also have a seminar for about 50 mins. So, lets go with weeks that I don't have seminar, using just the middle three days of the week, I have 11 hours between classes (3 on each T and R and 5 on W).
Not really a big deal, there is always homework to be done or errands to run, or texts to read or exams to study for or ppl to visit with. Well alot of these 11 hours, and often on M and F after class as well, I spend time in the Student Association Center(SAC)- the library is too quiet, the cafeteria too much commotion, and the SAC has come rather comfortable leather chairs and couches. There is a fair trade, student run coffee shop, soft music playing, and most of the time a dull murmmur of voices. It is where students meet for a coffee; SR level courses meet, white hot chocolate in hand, sitting on the comfortable leather couches; students nap, study, do homework, check their facebook, whatever; it is, essentially, a coffee shop.
So I spend alot of time here. I enjoy if for the most part, although it does seem to be kept rather cold these last few days- I wonder if if is their way of boosting the sales of the coffee shop... hmm...
But there is a problem. My problem, yes, but I know other people who also struggle with this. There is a group of students that come in with absolutely no care for those around them. They walk into the SAC, full of noise and chatter- which is fine in undertones, but they talk in exceptionally loud voices. The couches are not far apart, and if they are, you can move them, but this group of people, every part of their conversation can be heard in every part of the SAC. And it isn't like it is conversation that makes you smarter for hearing it. Last time I was here, they discussed how if one guy was the prime minister of the united states he would have all female party members who actually have no power but are just there for looks, how Texas would become part of Saskatchewan. Just now they are talking about how awesome it would be to have President Swartchenager.(You know,"I'll Be Back") , about the mess pizza pockets make in the microwave, and how fat guys want a whiskey. Not an issue if it is private, quiet conversations wiith your friends, but when you talk loudly enough for everyone in this high-roofed, rather large room can hear every part of it, it is frustrating.
It gets worse. Sure they are loud, that alone frustrates me as I just assumed coffee shop etiquite and undertones and 'indoor voices' are called for. But there is one in particular. I call him the Voice. He talks louder than the rest, more than the rest, about worse topics than the rest, he seems to believe his opinion is required, in detail, on every subject and topic under the sun, and his voice is, literally, the most annoying voice I have ever heard. I don't mean to complain but after two full months of the Voice, I am nearing the point where I am tempted to avoid my 'home away from home'- the SAC. I'll take insanity due to silence or being driven to distraction in the caf if it would save me from, the Voice.
Ok. I'm done. Sorry. I know I should love all Gods people, and I'm not saying I don't, just suffering in silence from the Voice.
I am a student, most of you know that by now I believe, and am attending a liberal arts college. I am enrolled in three classes, for each class there is 3 hours of class time a week, split one of two ways. It is either held Monday, Wednesday, Friday(MWF) using 50 minute sessions, or it is held Tuesday, Thursday(TR) in 80 minute sessions. I've one class on MWF at nine, then Wednesdays I've a 2 hour lab for that class at 3. TR I have two classes, at 8am and at 1230pm. Two Tuesdays a month I also have a seminar for about 50 mins. So, lets go with weeks that I don't have seminar, using just the middle three days of the week, I have 11 hours between classes (3 on each T and R and 5 on W).
Not really a big deal, there is always homework to be done or errands to run, or texts to read or exams to study for or ppl to visit with. Well alot of these 11 hours, and often on M and F after class as well, I spend time in the Student Association Center(SAC)- the library is too quiet, the cafeteria too much commotion, and the SAC has come rather comfortable leather chairs and couches. There is a fair trade, student run coffee shop, soft music playing, and most of the time a dull murmmur of voices. It is where students meet for a coffee; SR level courses meet, white hot chocolate in hand, sitting on the comfortable leather couches; students nap, study, do homework, check their facebook, whatever; it is, essentially, a coffee shop.
So I spend alot of time here. I enjoy if for the most part, although it does seem to be kept rather cold these last few days- I wonder if if is their way of boosting the sales of the coffee shop... hmm...
But there is a problem. My problem, yes, but I know other people who also struggle with this. There is a group of students that come in with absolutely no care for those around them. They walk into the SAC, full of noise and chatter- which is fine in undertones, but they talk in exceptionally loud voices. The couches are not far apart, and if they are, you can move them, but this group of people, every part of their conversation can be heard in every part of the SAC. And it isn't like it is conversation that makes you smarter for hearing it. Last time I was here, they discussed how if one guy was the prime minister of the united states he would have all female party members who actually have no power but are just there for looks, how Texas would become part of Saskatchewan. Just now they are talking about how awesome it would be to have President Swartchenager.(You know,"I'll Be Back") , about the mess pizza pockets make in the microwave, and how fat guys want a whiskey. Not an issue if it is private, quiet conversations wiith your friends, but when you talk loudly enough for everyone in this high-roofed, rather large room can hear every part of it, it is frustrating.
It gets worse. Sure they are loud, that alone frustrates me as I just assumed coffee shop etiquite and undertones and 'indoor voices' are called for. But there is one in particular. I call him the Voice. He talks louder than the rest, more than the rest, about worse topics than the rest, he seems to believe his opinion is required, in detail, on every subject and topic under the sun, and his voice is, literally, the most annoying voice I have ever heard. I don't mean to complain but after two full months of the Voice, I am nearing the point where I am tempted to avoid my 'home away from home'- the SAC. I'll take insanity due to silence or being driven to distraction in the caf if it would save me from, the Voice.
Ok. I'm done. Sorry. I know I should love all Gods people, and I'm not saying I don't, just suffering in silence from the Voice.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Kids Prayers
So I am not usually a big fan of forwards, I'll read them and delete them without thinking twice. However, when I got this one, I couldn't help but smile at alot of the things these kids are praying about. It is pretty cute. So I figured I'd share it with you, I really like 6,7,9,10, 11, 18, and 21. Which ones do you think are best?
Kids’ Prayers
1. Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda
2. Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart.
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
4. God,
I read the bible.
What does beget mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
5. Dear God,
How did you know you were God?
Who told you?
Charlene
6. Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golfwords in the house?
Anita
7. Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy
8. Dear God,
I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I like walking on water, too.
Glenn
9. Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis
10. Dear God,
Do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan
11. Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffes to look like that
Or was it an accident?
Norma
12. Dear God,
In Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
13. Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't doany now?
Billy
14. Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
15. Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms.
It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry
16. Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark
17. Dear God,
My brother told me about how you were born,
but it just doesn't sound right.
What do you say?
Marsha
18. Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday,
I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara
19. Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours,
Or do you just know him through the business?
Donny
20. Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God than you.
Well, I just want you to know that.
I am not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
21. Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place.
Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff
22. Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Really !!!!
Frank
23. Dear God,I didn't think orange went with purple
Until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Thomas
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